You're Crazy

The past two years have been enlightening in regards to my faith experience.  If you had told me a few years ago that I would grow weary in believing and hoping in the promises of  God, I would have said you're crazy.  But that's has been my experience the past few months.

When you grow weary of believing and trusting, you lose all expectation that something good is going to happen.  This weariness is a by-product of unfulfilled hope, which will crush your heart.  When faith is repeatedly broke, your ability to continue to hope with confident expectation diminishes.

My prayer for the last few months has been simple: "Lord, help me to believe all that you have promised."  Many times I have found myself with just enough faith to complain to God.  (Oh, for those of you who think that God doesn't welcome our complaining, you need to read the Psalms.  The only time God doesn't like our complaining is when we complain to others instead of him).  Many times I have pictured myself in a boat with Jesus in the middle of a storm, and Jesus is sleeping.  I'm trying to wake Jesus up,  but he continues to rest.  No matter how hard I try to wake him, he peacefully slumbers.

As a pastor, you are supposed to have answers to these types of struggles, but I don't.  Don't get me wrong, I know the answers, but for some reason, that knowledge brings no comfort or victory.

I know what some of you are thinking.  You think that I need to have faith and make positive declarations and confessions to win the victory.  But that doesn't work if you are exhausted and are struggling to believe.  And besides, I don't want a God that is going to make me jump through hoops before he decides to come to my rescue.  I don't want a God that I control (although life would be much easier if I could manage God).

So what's the answer for those who are weary? Pray for faith.  Exercise your weak faith even if it's a complaint to God in prayer.  There are days I don't know how I am going to get through this season.  There are days I wonder if the wounds that are open will ever heal.  But somehow, by the grace of God, I make it one day at a time.

If you are struggling with God, your faith, or something very similar, please contact me.  I don't have the answers, but we can work through our faith struggle together. 

God is Good, and He will Let You Down.

I'm sinking.  My conversations and meditations with the Lord are mostly complaints and laments.  I stepped out of the boat to walk on water only to find myself drowning.  I want to believe that the fear and anxiety I am experiencing is a result of the waves, but what if it isn't the waves? What if I am sinking with my eyes on Jesus? What if I'm falling deeper because the hand of Jesus is pushing me under the water? How many times do you have to cry out before Jesus answers? Why is my concept of an earthly father seem more gracious than my Heavenly Father's? Why does God let me down so often? That's right, he lets me down. And if you are honest you will see that God let you down as well.  He let Joseph down into a pit and a prison.  So don't think he won't let you down.  There are times it's necessary for God to let us down to fulfill his purpose and plan for our lives, which is to conform us to the image of his Son, Jesus Christ. 

Nevertheless, with all these questions, I still declare this to be true: God is good.  God's goodness is not determined by whether he lets me down or not.  His goodness is who he is, and nothing can change that foundational truth. If I lose everything, and God does not answer my prayers for deliverance, I will still believe God is good.

I will believe he is good, not because of anything within me, but because of what God has given me. You see, during this season I have lost my faith, but something within me kept trusting.  My theology tells me that any faith I have is a gift from God.  I have always believed it, and still do today, even more so today, and here is why.

 If faith were mine, I would have checked out by now, but it's not.  God has given me faith, and that gift of faith is pulling and pushing me through when I want to give up.  In fact, I still want to give up.  Within the last week, I have questioned everything I believe, but I still believe.  I have accused God of being an absentee father, who does not care, even though he knows everything I am experiencing.  But I still believe.  So yes, God is good, if for anything, because he gives me the faith to believe when there seems to be nothing to trust and the ability and strength to hope when everything seems hopeless.