My Confession To My Family

God has been breaking me. There is no other way of describing how I have felt the last three days at the pastors’ conference. I have met with God in a very special way, one that has been painful, yet, at the same time, very beneficial to the care of my soul.

The topic of the conference was “The Powerful Life of a Praying Pastor.” I have always been burdened with prayer; therefore, this was one conference I needed to attend. It is not just because of my burden, but also because of my struggle in the area of prayer. I needed a good kick in the pants to get me on track. I have been in a wilderness with my prayer and devotional life.

Where God started to break me was how I approach God. One speaker said that prayer is like crawling up in your father’s lap and whispering in his ears. I can’t fully communicate how that visual affected me, but with my limited abilities I will try.

The morning after hearing that visual, I woke up with great anticipation to spend some time with the Lord. I read the word and a started praying. I then tried to visual myself crawling up in my father’s lap and whispering in his ear. This is where a raw and deep pain came to the surface.

You see, I don’t know what it's like to have a father. My earthly father never showed me the love of a father. He didn't care for me, nor was he ever tender towards me. I just don’t know what a loving and caring father is like.

This pain is nothing new. About every two to four years it rises up and causes me to cry uncontrollable. Most of the pain comes from the fact that I, most likely, will never know what it likes to have a loving and caring earthly father. I envy sons and daughters who know that experience.

In spite of my experience, I do believe this pain has a divine purpose. God uses this pain to inspire me to be the kind of father I never had. I want my daughters to know that I love them, and that they can come to me at any time and sit in my lap and whisper in my ear. I so want to be that father for them, and for myself.

I want to be able to ask my daughters what it is like to have a loving and caring father. I want to hear their stories so that maybe, vicariously, I can experience what I never had. My greatest prayer is that God’s grace would spare them from any pain that may come from my imperfections.

As a husband and father, I want to start doing these things regularly. First, I want to pray more with my wife. I have struggled over the years in this area. It is time to get serious and pray with her, and to stop neglecting her spiritually. Second, though I pray for my daughters, I don’t pray with them. I need to start praying with them individually before they go to bed. I need to bless them with the blessings of the Lord so that they can know God is the only one who can help them. Third, I need to confess my humanness to them more often. My desire is for this letter to be a start.