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First Southern Baptist Church

Dr. Patrick Mead

Series: God's Love Song

May 25, 2014

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Song of Solomon 5-6:3

We are enjoying a fascinating and interesting journey through God's love song called the Song of Solomon. We have watched as this couple in love, deeply and madly in love… They made their way to their wedding night. They committed themselves to one another. Then, from a distance,we followed along as they went on their honeymoon and consummated their relationship for the very first time.

It was from a distance, because I purposely did not go into great detail about some of the language that is found in chapter 4. I'll let you do that on your own. I don't know about you. For me, it has been wonderful in terms of trying to be a better husband to my wife. We've enjoyed applying it. But what every marriage has to deal with that we're going to see in our text is reality. Even though this is a wonderful love song, reality is about to hit the couple.

You could say, in a manner of speaking, the honeymoon is over. The honeymoon is over, and now a conflict is going to be in the relationship, and they're going to show us how they deal with conflict. Now you'll probably find this hard to believe, but my wife and I have had a few disagreements in our 19 years together. I'll never forget one of our first major disagreements was over an expectation I had.

We were newlyweds. We moved into a youth parsonage at our first church where I was a youth minister, and I had this expectation that we were going to wake up early every morning and have devotions. I may have even used Ephesians 5:22 out of context for my own benefit. You say, "Well, what's Ephesians 5:22?" "Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord." Now my wife has a Bible degree, so she can correct me.

I learned really quickly that Christy is not a morning person. Here's the irony. After 19 years of marriage, we get up early in the morning (she's still not a morning person; trust me), and we read a devotional and pray together. We've had disagreements, fights, over whether we homeschool our kids or put them in the public schools.

We had a real doozy about four and a half years ago right about this time, because I had decided I would send my résumé to First Southern Baptist Church in Bryant, Arkansas, but I forgot to consult her about that. She was rather upset. She put me out in the doghouse for several days. All of these were important issues in our marriage, but I think probably the most memorable and maybe even the most important issue we have fought over revolved around two boxes of Cheez-Its and a box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies.

There you go. Those will always have a dear spot in our relationship. We were living in Texas. I know I've shared this story, but you have to go back, because it's one of the most ridiculous fights we have ever had. We've had a few, but this is probably the most. She had bought these things for the girls' lunch. There were two boxes in the pantry, and there were the Oatmeal Creme Pies. I thought, "You know what? I'm going to have me a few Cheez-Its."

So I started eating the Cheez-Its. All I got were two handfuls. By the time I got two handfuls, it was almost empty. I put it back in there. Well, the girls come back behind, and they decide… And I say "girls." All four of them decided they were going to have Cheez-Its, and they grabbed the other full box, thinking the other one was full, and they finished it off.

The next morning, Christy goes to make their lunch. She grabs that box she thought was full, and it's empty. She's mad. She's mad because I ate the box all by myself. I thought, "Well, wait a minute. You girls ate one by yourself." "Yeah, but there were four of us. It's okay if four of us eat it. It's not okay if one of you eats it, so you're wrong." We exchanged words, and war broke out.

You say, "Well, where do the Oatmeal Creme Pies come in?" Well, that's what hit me on the back of the head when she threw it at me as I was stomping off. Let me tell you, if it wasn't for a freak snowstorm… I wasn't about to say, "I'm sorry." She wasn't about to say she was sorry, because we were dead sure, "I'm in the right here." God brought us together. It just goes to show that in marriage, there's going to be conflict, and it's inevitable. Sometimes, as Elton John put it, sorry is the hardest word to say.

With our couple, though we've watched this beautiful love story unfold, as I said, reality is about to hit. Now they're going to face their first conflict, and it's in this conflict that we learn how wecan deal with conflict. I tell couples when I do premarital counseling, "I'm going to teach you how to fight." They always look at me like, "You're going to teach us how to fight?"

"Yeah."

"Don't you mean how not to fight?"

"No, because you're going to fight. My goal is to teach you how to do it in a good way, not a bad way." The couple here does it in a good way. I want you to see their conflict. We see it in verses 2-3. This is a solo. The woman is singing. Remember, this is a love song. She's singing about this conflict. Here's how it starts. Verse 2:

"I slept, but my heart was awake. A sound! My beloved is knocking. 'Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night.' I had put off my garment; how could I put it on? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them?"

It wasn't uncommon during this time that the husband and the wife would have different sleeping chambers. What we have here is the husband, and he comes and knocks on the door. She's not asleep yet. She's asleep, but she's not asleep. She's easily awakened by a knock. At the door is her beloved husband, and he's saying, "Open to me, my sister, my love." Listen to those words.(Sister isn't an Arkansas thing. That was just saying, "Hey, we're close.")

"My love, my dove, my perfect one." He uses these words of affection. Some scholars believe the man has been working all day, maybe even working late. He comes in, and he wants to spend a little bit of time with his wife in an intimate way. So he's knocking at the door. Her response reveals the source of the conflict. She says, "I had put off my garment; how could I put it on?""I'm not getting out of this bed. I just took a shower. I just put my hair up in curls." "I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them?"

What's interesting is that the wife is showing indifference to her husband. It could very well be that she's mad at him because he has been taking her for granted. Maybe he has been staying late at work without taking into consideration her or her schedule. We really don't know. I remember a "Come to Jesus" conversation, a frank conversation my wife had with me several years ago when I was pastoring in Texas.

During that time, I would spend three to four nights a week away from the family. It got to the point where I probably wasn't even coming home before they went to bed. She had enough, so she sat me down. I had an office at home. I'll never forget that conversation. I sat at the desk, and she stood over me. It was a "Come to Jesus" meeting, and I repented of my sins right then and there. I knew I was wrong. I knew what she was saying was right, because I had been taking them for granted and putting the church before them.

I learned that very day at that "Come to Jesus" meeting that I needed to not take my loved ones for granted, to put them before church. So it could very well be that's what's happening here. Or it's just the fact she's showing indifference. Whatever it is, she is not going to let him in. You see, conflict is inevitable in marriage. She's showing indifference to her man. The apostle James says the source of all conflict… This is true.

When we experience conflict, whether it be in marriage or any relationship, you can go to the source, and the source is sin, and sin works itself out in selfishness. See, the apostle James put it this way. Of course, he was talking to a church, but he says, "What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don't they come from the evil desires within you? You want what you want, and you can't have what you want, and therefore, there's this conflict, and there are these quarrels."

The Cheez-Its and the flying creme pies… Both of our responses were selfish responses. Every fight we have had, for the most part, has found its source in two people being selfish and looking out for themselves. That's what's happening here. We have conflict. Conflict is inevitable. So the question isn't, "Are we going to fight?" You're going to fight, because when you got married and you said, "I do," you married an imperfect person. You married a sinner. Therefore, how do you fight? Not in a bad way, but in a good way. The couple teaches us how to fight.

We see as they teach us that composure is important when it comes to conflict. I want you to see how the man held it together, because you know his pride was wounded. Right, guys? She's basically saying, "I'm going to bed. Leave me alone." It says in verse 4, "My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me. I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the bolt."

She finally realized, "Maybe I ought to get up. Maybe I'm wrong here." So she gets up and goes to the door, but when she opens the door, she finds that her man is already gone. Then when she opens the door, there's this liquid myrrh, this perfume. That perfume really was like a love note, a little Post-it, where he said, "You know what? I love you, and I was here."

We see with him putting the myrrh on the doorknob he was basically responding in patient love to his wife. When he responded in patient love to his wife, instead of putting himself first, he put the needs of his wife. He acted selflessly. He didn't act out of his hurt. He didn't act and respond out of his pain. Instead, he left a love note, and he understood where she was coming from. Even though she was being indifferent to him, he didn't allow that hurt to cause him to respond in anger. Not to say he didn't get angry, but he didn't respond in that anger.

Instead, out of patient love, he put the needs of his wife before his own, and because he did that, it revealed that he was trusting God completely. The ability for us to put the interests of other people before our own, the ability to look out for another person's interests before our own interests… I believe that ability only comes when we are trusting God to take care of our needs.For when you are saying, "I'm going to put this person first…"

When I say, "I'm going to put my wife and her needs first. I'm not going to respond and be selfish…" If I'm going to act selflessly, that means I will meet her needs, and I will have to trust God to take care of mine. This is where conflict arises, because we want to take things into our own hands. We don't want to trust God, and we want that person to meet our needs. "You meet my needs. You take care of me."

But he's saying, "You know what? I'm going to act in patient love. I'm going to act selflessly," and he does it because he's trusting God, not only to take care of him (this is important), but also to take care of and change his wife. You know, we spend a lot of time trying to change the other person, don't we? "You're in the wrong here." If it wasn't for divine intervention with the Cheez-Its, I'm telling you what… I was waiting for her. She needed to change. God intervened.

Because of pride we're like, "You change. You change." Who's the only person you can change? Yourself. I want you to watch what happens, because when he responds in patient love and trusts God to take care of his needs, and then he trusts God to take care of her and to bring about a change of heart… I think his response played a big part in changing her heart, because it says in verse 6, "I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and gone. My soul failed me…"

What is she saying? "I messed up." She may not have gotten to that point that quickly had he sat there at the door demanding that she take care of his needs. In other words, being selfish. Selfishness begets selfishness. That's what he does. He puts her first. Now, because he's trusting God to change her heart, she's having a change of heart. She says, "You know what? I failed. I messed up when he spoke."

So what does she do? She says, "I sought him, but found him not; I called him, but he gave no answer." He left. He didn't leave mad. He left. Then it says in verse 7, "The watchmen found me as they went about in the city; they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my veil, those watchmen of the walls." I want you to see something here, because there's an interesting comparison to watch when you go back to chapter 3.

In chapter 3, before their marriage, she was having a dream about her man, and she wanted to be with her man. I want you to hear what she says about the dream. Chapter 3, verse 1: "On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him, but found him not. I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him, but found him not. The watchmen found me…" Now watch what happens. When the watchmen found her in our passage, they beat her.

"…as they went about in the city. 'Have you seen him whom my soul loves?' Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her who conceived me."See, in the dream, she wanted to be with her man. In the marriage, she's making excuses. She's being indifferent.

What is happening now is God has gotten ahold of her heart, and now she has had a change of heart. Now she's going to seek out resolution to this conflict. I believe it all took place because of a man who said, "Instead of me being selfish, I'm going to act selflessly, and I'm going to trust God completely to take care of my needs."

I'm convinced because of our old nature… Every day, if you're a believer, you have to struggle with that old nature, and you have to struggle with selfishness. That's what comes naturally. That's what we call the American way. "You need to look out for yourself. You need to take care of yourself. You need to be happy." Well, the American way is not the Christian way. In fact, the Christian way says you don't look out for yourself; you die to self.

You die to self. You take up your cross. You sacrifice your life. You give it as an offering for the glory of God. You give it as an offering for people. You sacrifice. That's why he says in Ephesians 5 to husbands, "You need to love your wives as Christ loved the church. You need to sacrifice. You need to give everything for your wife."

That's why I believe it takes the power of God to overcome those selfish tendencies we all have. It takes Jesus in us, the resurrection power. If you think about it, who emulated these two qualities perfectly? It was Jesus. Jesus faced opposition. Jesus faced conflict, yet he still acted selflessly. He never, ever put himself before us. He gave himself for us, and he trusted God to take care of him.

God took care of him, because the Bible says that when he gave his life and died on Calvary, God highly exalted him so that the name of Jesus would be above every other name, that at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.

He trusted God to take care of him. That's how you keep your composure. It all comes down to trusting God. Let's be honest. We're all going to fail at it. That's where the gospel comes in. That's where grace comes in. The Devil will condemn you. You're going to say things you wish you'd never said. You're going to say things in a way you wish you had never said it.

Here's what you need to understand: God's grace covers all of that. The Devil will try to condemn you. He will say, "Look, you're not living that perfect life." You will not live a perfect life. Christ lived a perfect life for you. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Keep your composure.

The next thing is communication. If you want to bring about conflict resolution, it's going to take communication. We see the steps to resolution in two questions that are asked by the choir. The first question is in verse 9 of chapter 5. The second question is in verse 1 of chapter 6. In the first question, the choir is asking her, "What do you love about your man? What are the things youappreciate about your husband?"

Look at verse 9. "What is your beloved more than another beloved, O most beautiful among women?" In other words, "Hey, tell us all of those good qualities that attracted you to your spouse in the first place." Sometimes we get so focused on the negative… We do. What happens when you focus on the negative in a person? Your heart becomes full of ingratitude.

Let me tell you, when your heart is full of ingratitude toward a person and all you can see is the negative, that person can become the most unattractive person in the whole wide world. Not so with this woman, because she's going to list out all of the things she admires about this man. Notice what she says. Verse 10:

"My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh.

His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels. His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend…"

You're thinking, "Is Patrick reading an autobiography?" No, I'm not. I could be, right? Yeah, well, in her world I hope. She didn't say, "Here are all of the things I can't stand about my spouse." You want to bring conflict resolution? Then it begins with communicating the things you appreciate about that person.

You say, "There's nothing good about my spouse." Well, hopefully, at some point, when you said, "I do," there was something good you saw in that spouse. If you say, "There has never been any good in the person I'm married to," then go watch Forrest Gump and listen to what his mama said. It has nothing to do with the box of chocolate.

If you married a person you weren't attracted to, well, that speaks for itself. Every one of us can look, and it's so important that we do that. We take our spouses for granted. Take some time. Begin to write down all of those qualities. Remember when you write those down…it won't be hard…you married a sinner. Oh, and you're a sinner too. So communicating appreciation.

Then, of course, granting forgiveness and accepting it. That takes us to the second question:"Where has your beloved gone, O most beautiful among women? Where has your beloved turned, that we may seek him with you?" Now she's looking for him. Why? Because she wants to bring some resolution and reconciliation to the relationship. She wants to ask for forgiveness.

They're saying, "Where is he? Let's go find him. Let's bring resolution to this conflict." She knows exactly where he is. Verse 2: "My beloved has gone down to his garden to the beds of spices, to graze in the gardens and to gather lilies." She knew exactly where he would be. She's now going to seek him out to bring resolution to this conflict.

Conflict is resolved when forgiveness is given and accepted. Sometimes people ask for forgiveness, and because we're so hurt, we want to say, "I'm going to forgive you next week, because I want you to be miserable for a whole week. I want you to pay." That's not forgiveness. Do you know that? Wanting somebody to be sorry and just… "Yeah, I'll forgive you next week." Forgiveness says, "I understand you wronged me, you hurt me, but I'm going to forgive you."

One of the most Christian things you can do is not only extend forgiveness, but ask for it, because we're not perfect. Sometimes we'll blow it in our relationships. We'll blow it with our spouses, and what do we need to do? We need to say, "Please forgive me." That's where the gospel comes in, because it's the gospel that enables us to relate to one another in grace.

Think about your relationship with Christ. How many times a day do you sin against Jesus? I hope you're not counting, but just to give you an idea, quite a few. It doesn't have to be your behavior. All it has to do is be your thoughts. How many times does Jesus forgive you? Every time, right? Do you know what Jesus does when he forgives you? He doesn't say, "Well, let me tell you how sorry you are." No, he doesn't say that.

He doesn't have this long list of negatives. He has a long list of positives, and all of those positives he earned for you. All of those positives are yours because of what he did for you on Calvary. When you say, "Forgive me," he has already forgiven you. What Jesus says is, "I appreciate you. You're my child. You're my beloved. You're mine, and nothing can separate you from my love."

He says, "I forgive you, and I forgive you every time." That same forgiveness you experience as a believer in Jesus Christ is the same forgiveness you have to express in your marriage relationship, in your family relationships. In every relationship you have, Christian, we have to express the same forgiveness we have experienced in Jesus Christ.

It's so important that we communicate that acceptance and forgiveness, but what holds it all together, what makes conflict resolution possible, what enables us to say "Sorry" when sorry is the hardest word to say, is one word: commitment. Here's what she says: "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine; he grazes among the lilies." This is an element we've lost today. She said, "I made vows to my husband. We belong to each other. When we said 'I do,' we meant it was forever." Commitment is what holds it all together.

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