Unforgettable: Growing in Romance

First Southern Baptist Church

Dr. Patrick Mead

Series: God's Love Song

June 1, 2014

Unforgettable: Growing in Romance

Song of Solomon 4, 6, 7

February 14, 1995. It started off with about a dozen or so roses being delivered at 8:00 a.m. to the library at the Criswell College in Dallas, Texas. The recipient of those roses was this curly-haired, blonde-haired Texas girl by the name of Christy Dawn Brashear. I remember that day well because she had big hair. It was a humid day, right? I remember delivering the flowers, and she was like, "Oh my hair! It's all big. It's humid!"

We had some big plans that day. I showed up that evening to her mom's house, and I had some more roses. I had a poem I wrote myself. We went to a popular restaurant in Dallas where lovers go, especially on February 14. We had dinner. I had duck, and you had mahi-mahi. We finished the dinner. I got down on one knee, and I said, "Christy Brashear, would you marry me?" She said, "Yes!"

That day is probably the day I've been most romantic in my life. It might have been the only day I have been romantic in my life. I actually thought I would surprise her. I thought she would be surprised. She acted surprised when I proposed, but a few years into our marriage, she said, "Well, let me just go ahead and let you know I wasn't surprised. I expected you to propose that night."

You know, what was interesting… Do you young people know what a cassette tape is? Okay.Well, my mother-in-law made a cassette tape, and she put music on it. We listened to those love songs on the way to the restaurant and on the way back. One of those love songs was Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable."

I would love to tell you that I'm just a romantic guy, but I'm not. If it wasn't for my mother-in-law, she might have said no. My mother-in-law helped me out that day. I did write the poem, and I was inspired. It had to be inspired by God, because out of the 19 years of our marriage, I haven't been inspired to do it again, and I've tried! I'm like, "How in the world did I do that?" It was pretty good, wasn't it? Yeah!

I do watch a lot of Hallmark movies. I do! I watch more than my family. I watch them over and over again, but somehow in my life, the romance has not bled over into my marriage. About a couple of years ago, Christy and I attended a Family Life marriage conference. Has anybody ever been to that Weekend to Remember? Yeah. Don't you hate those? Boy, I'll tell you, they hit you right between the eyes.

We realized something that day, that you cannot put marriage on cruise control. If you think your marriage is going to go in the right direction all by itself, it won't. What will happen is you'll crash, or your marriage will go missing in action. Our couple in the Song of Solomon is showing us what an ideal marriage looks like. If you were here last week, an ideal marriage is not conflict-free. Can I get an amen? An ideal marriage learns how to work through that conflict. An ideal marriage learns how to fight good, not bad.

We've learned they've already dealt with conflict. What we see with this couple is they're not at war with one another. They're not combative. They're not self-serving. Instead, what they are doing is expressing their love for one another with the goal of contributing to the other's life. See, that's what marriage is all about.

This is how God designed marriage. Even if you're unbelievers, God designed marriage in this way. It is between a man and a woman. Okay? Amen? Okay. It's in the Bible. It's between a man and a woman where the two become one. They began to reflect the very nature and character and the glory of God. They do that by becoming one, one flesh, this oneness. The man shall leave his mother and father, and the woman, and they shall become one flesh.

In that union, God has designed his nature and character and glory to be reflected. That's why it's so important as believers that we stand up for what marriage really is because at stake here is the glory of God. We see that with this couple. What I've learned and what we're going to learn is that true romance is something that has to be cultivated throughout the marriage. Husbands, if you're like me, you probably think, "Well, I'm not a romantic. I'm not romantic."

Well, that's no excuse (and I'm talking to myself). That's no excuse for not trying to grow in romance. You have to be intentional. This couple is intentional in their growth and romance. Let me give you four things that kill true romance in marriage and why romance goes to the wayside in many marriages (mine included).

First is sin. Sin is always a romance-killer. You see, when you got married, you married a sinner. Do you know that, husband? Do you know that, wife? Yeah, and that's the problem with marriages. You're married. You have two sinners married to one another. A lot of times and many times, one of them or both of them can be selfish and self-serving.

Then what happens is they may say something that hurts the other one. If you don't deal with it in a proper way like we learned last week about extending forgiveness and trying to bring resolution to conflict… If you don't deal with those words or those hurt feelings, what happens is that heart becomes callous. All of a sudden, a couple doesn't have those… What's the song?"You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'." Yeah, you want to kill each other, right? Sin kills romance.

The second thing is vanity. Vanity is where you put all your emphasis on the outward appearance. If your emphasis is on the outward appearance, obviously time and disease and everything else that happens to our bodies are against you. That's why it's so important that when you are in arelationship that you fall in love with who the person is. You fall in love with their soul, their inner beauty.

Then there's the third one: forgetfulness. We get married, and then for some reason we take each other for granted. We take our spouse for granted. We forget all of those things that attracted usto them in the first place. Maybe we forget all those beautiful qualities, and now all we see are those negative qualities. We begin to become ungrateful because of all of those negative things we see. We forget all the good things.

That's why when it comes to forgetfulness, to overcome that, you have to be intentional about remembering. Especially if you find yourself only focusing on all the negatives of your spouse, that's a good time to get out and write down those positive qualities. It might take you a while, but you'll find them. They were there at one time.

Then the fourth one is laziness. This is where most of us are, where we get so involved with life.We're married. Now we have children, and now we have work. We're so busy. We're going here.We're going there. Then all of a sudden, being romantic becomes a chore. If you're like me, well, I'm just sometimes too lazy to work at it.

All of these things kill true romance. What this couple is going to teach us is if we're going to grow in romance, we have to work at it. We have to be intentional. We can't be forgetful. We have to work through the sin in our lives. We have to work through the vanity. We need to begin to look at the inward person. We have to work! You can't be lazy. You can't be forgetful. What we learn first of all from this couple is…

1. To grow in true romance you have to grow in appreciation for your spouse. When you grow in appreciation for your spouse, what happens is it begins to cultivate and create security in a marriage. We see that with this couple. Let's pick up the story in verse 4. It says in verse 4, "You are beautiful as Tirzah, my love, lovely as Jerusalem, awesome as an army with banners."Hold your finger there. We going to come back, but go to verse 10.

In verse 10 it says, "Who is this who looks down like the dawn, beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awesome as an army with banners?" What we have here is a bookend. It gives us a section of Scripture. What we find in this section, in these bookends, is the husband. He is singing here. Remember this is a love song. He is speaking and singing to his wife. He is showing his appreciation, not just that he appreciates her but that they're growing. He is growing in appreciation. Let's pick it up in verse 4.

"You are beautiful as Tirzah, my love, lovely as Jerusalem, awesome as an army with banners.Turn away your eyes from me, for they overwhelm me—your hair is like a flock of goatsleaping down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of ewes that have come up from the washing; all of them bear twins; not one among them has lost its young."

Now if you were here a few weeks ago, in chapter 4, these are the very same words he spoke to his wife. In fact, they were at the wedding making a commitment to one another. It says in verse 1 of chapter 4 (he is speaking to his bride), "Behold, you are beautiful, my love, behold, you are beautiful! Your eyes are doves behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats…"

So he likes her hair. I know we can't relate to goats being symbolic of beautiful hair, but for a shepherding culture, they understood that. He has this line he likes to repeat. "Honey baby, your hair looks like a goat's hair. It's beautiful!" He goes on. "Your hair is like a flock of goats…"Then he says, "Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes that have come up from the washing,all of which bear twins, and not one among them has lost its young."

Two times! He really likes the woman's hair. I want to say this. Men, if you have a praise, a line, your wife likes, keep using it. Obviously this is working for the man in this text. "Hey, baby. I love your hair. It looks like goats. Your teeth! I love your teeth. They're white, and you have all your teeth." That was a big thing then!

You know, I wouldn't do that to Christy, but I do have a song for Christy: Van Morrison's "Tupelo Honey." Yeah. Yeah, I look at her and go, "Hey, baby. You're as sweet as tupelo honey." That's awhole lot better than saying, "Your hair looks like goat's hair." That's what he is doing. Here'srepetition. Repetition is important in Hebrew language, because when you see repetition in Hebrew language, that means, "You need to pay attention to this."

If you see a word or a phrase that's stated over and over again, that means they're trying to communicate something. The very fact that he is using the same lines over again is teaching a lesson to married couples, that if you're going to grow in romance, you have to continue to do so.It doesn't stop when you say, "I do." You know, we men tend to think once we say, "I do," we got her. We're going to bag her, and we're going to move on to the next doe, right? No.

We have to keep working at romance. That's what we see. He doesn't give up. He is still showinghis appreciation for her. To grow in true romance, we continue to do that throughout our lives as a married couple. You do it as you show greater appreciation for one another. Notice what he says again in verse 4. "You are beautiful as Tirzah…"

Now Tirzah was a city that was really the capital city of the northern kingdom during the time of Solomon. It was a beautiful, strong city. When he says, "You are like Tirzah," he is saying to his woman, "You're strong, and you're beautiful." Then he says, "You're like Jerusalem. You're as lovely as Jerusalem." Now if you've ever been to Israel… Has anybody been to Israel? Yeah.Y'all have been a few times, and I went with you.

I'll never forget when we were entering into Jerusalem, and the guide put in some music about Jerusalem. We were winding around the road. You get around this corner. All of a sudden, there is Jerusalem. I can't explain the feeling. It's like you have this feeling like, "Man, I'm home." I don't know about anybody else, but my jaw dropped. I thought, "What beauty! This is the Holy City!"

That's what he is saying to his wife. "You're like Jerusalem, that wonderful Holy City on a hill. When I see you, you're so beautiful that my jaw drops. I am in awe of you." You see, he likes her physical appearance. He says, "You're majestic. You're beautiful. You're strong." But he doesn'tstop there. You see, he doesn't just focus on the physical. He goes beyond that. He is in love with who she is, and he becomes more creative.

Verse 7. He says, "Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil. There are sixty queens and eighty concubines, and virgins without number. My dove, my perfect one, is the only one, the only one of her mother, pure to her who bore her." He is talking about who she is, her character, her purity.

"The young women saw her and called her blessed; the queens and concubines also, and they praised her." Then in verse 10, it says, "Who is this who looks down like the dawn, beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awesome as an army with banners?" He is talking about who she is as a person. What we see is that he is growing in appreciation for his wife.

Here's what's so important. If we're not careful, through forgetfulness, we can stop growing in appreciation for our spouse. We begin to take them for granted, and we need to be mindful of this, that we have to grow in appreciation and begin to communicate those qualities. What happens when you grow in appreciation for your spouse is it actually gives security to your marriage, especially to wives.

When their husband is constantly communicating how he appreciates her and that appreciation is growing, what that does is it gives her security. That irrevocable commitment you made, you're actually committed to that, and you're appreciating her. It gives her that assurance. Husbands, that also shows to us that we need to be mindful of speaking our appreciation for our wives so we can begin to take out that inner beauty.

See, that's the focus you ought to have, ladies. There's nothing wrong with outer appearance, but what is lasting is your inward beauty, your inward person in the heart. What's so important is that you begin to cultivate that beauty. Husbands, what's important for you is to draw that beauty out, showing greater appreciation for your wife. See, what happens is it brings security in your marriage.

2. To grow in true romance you need to recognize the seasons of marriage so your marriage can stay in rhythm. To understand verses 11 through 13, you have to go back to verse 9 where he says, "The young women saw her and called her blessed." Then it says, "The queens andconcubines also, and they praised her."

Scholars believe what's happened here is these queens, these concubines, these ladies are all praising her and blessing her for this reason. When they entered into that season of conflict, she recognized what she had done, and she sought out her husband. She wanted to bring resolution to this conflict, and they did.

What they are doing in verse 9 is they're saying, "Bless you! Bless you for realizing there is conflict in your marriage, there's conflict in your relationship. Bless you! We praise you for you have pursued your husband to bring about resolution by asking for forgiveness." Of course, he is extending forgiveness. Maybe it goes vice versa. With that in mind, with the idea of conflict being resolved, now we can begin to understand verse 11.

This is the woman, and she begins to sing, "I went down to the nut orchard to look at the blossoms of the valley, to see whether the vines had budded, whether the pomegranates were in bloom." She is going down during the spring season. "Let's see if we see the fruit coming out.Are the buds budding?" so to speak. This is imagery of spring, and spring is symbolic of love.

She is acknowledging, "We've just gone through this season of conflict, but now that we've gone through this conflict, what is happening is now we're in this new season of love, this new seasonof growth. We've brought resolution. Now our love is going to grow deeper." What every married couple needs to understand and what every person who wants to get married needs to understand is there will be seasons in your marriage.

Oh, there will be those spring seasons, but there will be some hard seasons as well. Some of those hard seasons will come from the outside, and some of those hard seasons will come with the conflict within your marriage. What you need to understand is those seasons will come. Just understanding those hard seasons will come will help you keep your marriage in rhythm.

What I want to encourage you to do is when those hard seasons come… I was thinking about myown marriage. When my wife and I started ministry… I look at the first few years of ministry.We had some hard seasons on the outside. They were drawing us closer together. We realized God was using those hard seasons in ministry to make us more like Christ.

When we went through a church split, it was probably one of the hardest times in our lives, but it was probably one of the greatest times where we came together as one. See, that's what God does. He uses those hard seasons in your marriage to bring you together if you will allow him.Then we've had seasons where it wasn't things on the outside that were hard; it was our own relationship. We've had to work through those, but we believe God can even use those. He can use conflict to bring about oneness and bring about new seasons of growth.

It's so important when it comes to true romance that you are going to experience seasons in your marriage. Do not let the hard seasons destroy your marriage, but allow them to become a tool in the hands of God no matter how bad they may be. Let me just say this. I have seen marriages that biblically, one of those spouses had every right to say, "I can divorce you."

I have watched two couples. I have watched one, a best friend of mine, and I have watched another couple I've counseled. I've watched them say, "Do you know what? We're going to allow the gospel to bring healing and forgiveness to these relationships." They allowed God to take oneof the worst sins, the sin of infidelity in a marriage, and allowed that to heal them and to glorify God through it. You need to expect seasons in your marriage so you can keep your marriage in rhythm.

3. To grow in true romance you have to communicate satisfaction with your spouse. That will help you protect intimacy. This is not only with your words but also with your actions. You need to let your wife, you need to let your husband, know, "I am totally satisfied with you. I'm satisfied with you! I find satisfaction in you. I don't have to go outside of you to find satisfaction."

I want you to see how the husband communicates his satisfaction. Men, you may want to do this when you go home. I don't know if you want to use his words, but I would definitely use his template, because what he does is he starts with her feet, and he goes all the way to the top of her head. By doing that, he talks about her beauty. What he is saying is, "Everything about you satisfies me."

Now let's go along. Hey, this is the Bible, okay? This is the Word of God. "I can't believe the pastor said that." I didn't say it. I'm just reading it. Here we go. Verse 1 of chapter 7: "Howbeautiful are your feet in sandals, O noble daughter!" Husbands, have you ever looked down at your wife's feet and said, "Man, you have pretty feet"? The only thing I've heard from my wife is, "Honey, you need to cut your toenails." "Why?"

He says, "Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a master hand." Those are good words! "Your navel is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine." I don't know. "Your belly is a heap of wheat, encircled with lilies." I am sure that meant something special. I'm just going to say, "Honey, you're as sweet as tupelo honey." Well, here we go. Let's get right into this.

"Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower. Youreyes are pools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bath-rabbim." I don't understand this one. "Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon, which looks toward Damascus." "I love your big nose." I don't know. "Your head crowns you like Carmel, and your flowing locks are like purple; a king is held captive in the tresses."

He gets very seductive here. "How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights!" "I delight in you! I find complete satisfaction in you." "Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, 

and your mouth like the best wine."

I don't think I need to explain that. I don't think I want to explain that is what I'm trying to say.Some things you just need to do on your own. Okay. Now I want you to see what happens. He is saying, "Baby, you're all I need." Here's how she responds. "It goes down smoothly for my beloved, gliding over lips and teeth." Huh. Lips and teeth. We won't go there. Verse 10. "I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me."

She says, "I'm satisfied with you." She is saying it because she understands he is communicating satisfaction with her. It's more than just words. You see, words are cheap, right? Actions speak louder than words. He is communicating with words, but with his life, he is saying to his wife, "I am satisfied with you." It's so important that we communicate that satisfaction in our actions and in our words because it does protect intimacy.

Let me show you how. Let me give you a list of what I call nine signs that you're dissatisfied with your spouse. Dr. Danny Akin calls them "Nine Warnings Signs of Infidelity." In other words, if these signs are there, if you don't deal with them, you're on a road to disaster. Let's look at the first one.

This is a sign of dissatisfaction. First, the feeling of going through the marriage motions. Second,inventing excuses for visiting someone of the opposite sex. Third, increasing male/female contacts in normal environments. In other words, at work or maybe in the choir, you want to hang around the girls or the guys. See, you're increasing male or female contacts.

Fourth, being preoccupied with thoughts of another person (thoughts only you and God know). Fifth, exchanging gifts with friends of the opposite sex. Sixth, making daily/weekly contact with the opposite sex by phone, text, or social media. Go read the statistics of how many divorces have happened through social media.

Seventh, putting yourself in situations where a friend or employee might become more. Eighth,having to touch, embrace, or glance at a person of the opposite sex. Ninth, spending time alone with anyone of the opposite sex. All of those are signs of dissatisfaction. Now if you can relate toany of those signs, I want to encourage you as a couple to find help.

Listen. This is a hospital. This isn't a place where we say only those who have it together come. This is a place where we struggle. This is a place where we come in struggling. You need to understand we're all in this together. I want to encourage you to find help, counseling, whatever it takes, because if you don't deal with this dissatisfaction, it can lead you down a road of disaster and destruction.

I want you to see what happens. Remember, he is protecting intimacy by his communication of his satisfaction. Here's how she responds to that. Verse 11: "Come, my beloved, let us go out into the fields and lodge in the villages; let us go out early to the vineyards and see whether the vines have budded, whether the grape blossoms have opened and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love. The mandrakes give forth fragrance, and beside our doors are all choice fruits, new as well as old, which I have laid up for you, O my beloved."

In other words, she is saying, "Okay, honey. Let's get together. Let's be alone. Let's be intimate." Communicating satisfaction with your spouse protects that intimacy. Men, what we say, how we say it, will have a great effect on our intimacy with our spouses, whether good or bad. I want to make a statement here about growing in true romance. Maybe as a man you might say, "Well, I don't agree with you, Preacher." Watch this.

I believe growing in true romance is a part of spiritual growth. The reason I believe that is it's in the Bible. It's in the idea of marriage that God gave us in the Song of Solomon. They didn't stop romance after the wedding. He continued to grow in appreciation for his wife. He continued to communicate satisfaction with his wife. What that tells me is that God gives us a picture of an ideal marriage, and he gives us a picture of two people cultivating true romance in their relationship.

That tells me that a part of us growing in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ, especially in the area of our marriages, that means we, by the power of Jesus, men, need to stop being forgetful. We need to stop being lazy. We need to deal with the sin that has hindered our relationship and possibly brought conflict into our relationship. This is husband and wife together.

We need to deal with the focus on the outward and not the inward beauty of the person. I truly believe (and I say that as one who really needs to grow in this area) if we're going to grow spiritually as a couple, then that cultivation, that growth, needs to take place in your relationship to one another in the area of romance. I believe growing in romance is synonymous with growing in grace.

I think there's a great challenge for all of us here. First of all, obviously the couples. Are you growing in grace? Are you growing in romance? Are you just too lazy and forgetful? Maybe there's conflict in your relationship, and romance isn't even a thought. All you can think about is, "How am I going to kill him? I can't divorce him, but maybe I can kill him."

Are you growing in grace? Is your family growing in grace? I want to challenge single parents here. Obviously you don't have a mate, but you have children you're to lead. You need to teach them all about grace, all about what grace means. You know, grace isn't something we earn. It's something Jesus earned. Y'all understand that, right? We don't earn favor from God; Jesus earned it for us. Do y'all understand that?

There's nothing we can do to earn more favor from Jesus. There's something we can do to get a greater fellowship with him. The Bible says if we obey his commands, he will come and abide with us and make his home with us. That's more fellowship. But you're not going to get any more favor. You have all the favor you need, because Jesus earned it for you. That's what grace is! You obey because you have all the favor you need!

Parents, we need to teach that. We need to exhibit that in our families. I want to challenge even single moms or dads. I know there's a challenge. Boy, we pray for you. I want to challenge you to lead your children in what it means to experience grace. Then for single people, grow in grace. Remember to become that right person. Become that right person!

Here's my challenge. First of all, it's to couples. Husbands, I want to challenge you today that if you're not growing in this area of true romance… I want to challenge you husbands: you leadyour family. You lead your wife. You be the first one to repent. You be the first one to pray. You be the first one to say, "Forgive me." You! You lead.

Then I want to challenge single parents to lead. Lead! I want to challenge single people to follow Jesus. Then I want to challenge you here today. Some of you have never trusted Christ as your Lord and Savior. Jesus wants to lead you to eternal life. In fact, his arms are open wide, and he says today, "I love you. I've died for you."

You can have eternal life. All you have to do is acknowledge your sin, turn from your sin, and place your faith in the saving work of Christ. If you'll do that today and follow Christ, he says, "I will give you life, and I will give it to you more abundantly." Let's bow our heads and close our eyes.

God is speaking to you this morning as a husband, as a wife, as a single parent, or just as a single person, a young person. You think, "Well, this whole thing about romance isn't about me." Well, romance is about spiritual growth. If you know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you need to grow. I want to challenge you to follow Jesus.

I want to challenge marriages today. Husbands, lead your wife. Husband, you may want to bring your wife, you may want to bring your whole family, to the altar this morning just to say, "I want to be the leader in my family. I want to lead them in growth. I want to lead them in growing in grace."

You might be here this morning, and you know you need Jesus Christ. You're ready to trust him. Jesus is leading you to faith, and he'll give you that faith. In a moment when we sing, I want to invite you. If you feel led to bring your family, to lead your family, to the altar, you come. If you want to come as a single person, you come. If you want to come as a person needing Christ, you come, and you grab me by the hand.

Father, we thank you for your grace. We thank you for your mercy. Lead us. Lead us during this time as we respond to you and your Word to us this morning. In Christ's name, amen.

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