Do You Struggle with Doubt?

As a follower of Christ, do you struggle with doubt? If you're like me, then, the answer is yes.  In my personal experience, doubt comes in seasons or waves.  Times of strong faith followed by seasons of enormous, overwhelming doubt.  The preacher was correct when he penned, "For everything, there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1).  I'm currently in a season of doubt, but God's using it to strengthen my faith, and to help others with the same struggle. 

I'm learning that my struggles with doubt are not with God's ability, but his willingness to act on my behalf.  I believe in the promises and power of God but doubt his willingness to do anything for me.  Realizing the nature of my doubt enabled God to bring clarity and revelation concerning the source of doubt. 

The source of my doubt was God's inactivity or activity concerning my life circumstances.  Interestingly, I started believing that God was no different than my earthly father, who's aloof, uncaring, and by his actions, or lack of actions, unloving.  Actions speak louder than words. I believed that God, just like my dad, didn't care or love me; therefore, he's unwilling to help me.  I hope you can see, doubting the willingness of God is different than doubting God's ability.  How? Doubting God's willingness is linked to your self-worth, whereas, doubting God's ability is connected to the attributes of God.

God revealed that my perceived unwillingness on his part stems from disbelief concerning my position in Christ, which is the result of the poor relationship between my dad and me.  Over the years, I have allowed my dad's actions define my self-worth.  After forty-nine years of neglect, I, subconsciously, define my self-worth as unlovable.  When I doubt God's willingness, mostly in the midst of a tough season, it's a result of transferring my earthly father's neglect upon God. 

This revelation came through a season, one that I'm in now, of suffering.  Every external thing that I once allowed to generate self-worth is gone, except family.  Ministry provides so much to build one's self-worth.  Having people tell you how great a preacher and pastor you are goes a long way.  Mark Twain said, "I can live two months on a good compliment."  But there is more; experiencing success in ministry,  financial stability and other things can have the same self-worth building influence. 

I have a confession.  The season that I'm in is the toughest to date.  It's tough because my struggle is with my faith, and the God of my faith.  I'm convinced that just like every good marriage, our relationship with God grows through struggle.  It's tough because there are moments I don't see how God is going to get me through this season.  Thankfully, I see progress, even though each step of progress is met with much more progress to achieve.  My goal is to share my progress with the hope of helping others. 

Jesus, The Uber Rider

If you like people watching, and conversations with people you don't know, then Uber driving is for you.  People from all walks of life request rideshare services and end up in the back of your vehicle.  

Recently, I gave a model from Brazil a ride from the airport to the Dillard's studios for a two-week photo shoot. It was her first time to Arkansas.  The conversation covered a variety of topics like the number of men with beards, gun ownership, wildlife, rednecks, and religion. 

Driving weekend nights is a world of its own.  Most riders are using the service because they intend to become incapacitated by excessive alcohol consumption (I am thankful that they have the right sense to use Uber), which provides fascinating conversations. 

Five young ladies, probably in their mid-twenties, provided an intriguing discussion, as I drove them to the Alan Jackson Concert.  Conversing with each other, one of the girls dropped a few "F" bombs.  She then turned to me and said, "I hope you are not one of those committed Christians offended by my language." I responded, "I have one better for you, I am a pastor, but I am not offended."   I went on to tell her, "I'm your Uber driver, not Jesus.  You just be yourself." I have learned not to expect people to conform to a particular moral standard without first experiencing the transforming power of the gospel. Otherwise, I would be offended all the time.   Nevertheless, my response opened the door for an invite to church.  

The most fantastic rider, to date, has been Jesus.  In his book, A Praying Life, Paul Miller writes about seeing Jesus throughout your day; maybe it is a kind word received, or how another person responds to a challenging situation.  I saw Jesus in an Uber rider. 

If you are going to make money driving for Uber in Little Rock, then you will have to work the airport.  It provides an excellent resource for rides.  When a driver arrives at the airport, he or she is put into a queue by the app.  A driver can wait ten minutes or forty-five; it all depends on queue placement and incoming flights.  

On the day Jesus rode, I was number nine in the queue.   Therefore, I thought to myself, "I have enough time to go to the airport and use the restroom."  So, I started my way to the terminal from my usual parking spot when I received a ride request.  It was a rider at the airport.  I said to myself, "How can this be; there must be a mistake."  But it was no mistake.  I went from the ninth person in line to first. 

Arriving at Gate D, I waited for Julie.  After about a minute wait, she exits the terminal with no baggage.  She, who was from Frisco, Texas, was in Little Rock for a quick meeting at Baptist Hospital.  She would fly back later that afternoon. 

We immediately had common ground with us both being from Texas.  We spoke about the growth of Frisco over the years and other Texas trivia.  Eventually, she asked what brought me to Arkansas.  I shared with her that I'm a pastor and some of the things I've experienced over the past eight years in the Natural State.

Approaching her drop off, Julie said, "I feel compelled to pray for you."  I gladly accepted and listened as she prayed.  Julie prayed things for me that I had not shared with her.  It was at that moment that I realized that this ride was a divine appointment, orchestrated by God.  God winked at me with that visit, merely to let me know how much he loves me.   

I'm learning to look for Jesus every day. For me, on this day, he showed up as an Uber rider named Julie.  Are you looking for Jesus? What Jesus encounters have you experienced?

What Do You Value?

It doesn't take long to figure out what a person values in life.  For example, if someone appreciates a clean house, he or she will go to significant measures to keep the house clean.  If a person values education, he or she will invariably be learning, even into the golden years.  Value motivates, inspires, and directs. 

Think about it this way: what you value translates into a passion, which results in purpose for your life.  Your life purpose motivates, inspires, and directs everything you do. 

The apostle Paul exemplifies this truth in his life. On one occasion he said, "But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God" (Acts 20:24).  Paul's value of the gospel translated into a passion for the gospel, which resulted in his life purpose of testifying of the grace of God to the ends of the earth. 

What caught my attention is Paul's value for the gospel trumped the cost for his own life.  In other words, Paul was willing to face extreme conditions and even death for the sake of preaching and spreading the gospel. 

I'm asking the Lord to reveal anything in my life that I value more than him.   What do you value? 

Social Media Fast

Most churches have started a corporate fast in January.  The church my family joined began the corporate fast on January 7th.   I chose to do a modified Daniel Fast (no meats or sweets) and a social media fast.   

Concerning the social media fast, I'm not one who thinks social media is evil, although, evil is pervasive on social media.  At the same time, there is much good.  No, I believe it is a great way to communicate.  However, during this fast, I'm learning some things about myself.  

1.  I have a terrible habit of picking up my phone to see what's happening on Facebook and Instagram.  During this fast, I have had to start going to my bible app, or news app to break this habit.  I might have to do a fast from my news app after this, especially with all the garbage happening in our government.  

2. Most of what I put on Facebook doesn't communicate what I'm going through in life.  I try to stay positive with my post by pointing people to Jesus.  But, in reality, most don't know what is happening in my life.   

3. It is so easy to be fake on social media.  Perception is the reality, and most of the time I want to put forth a false reality for my life. You know, the one that says I have it all together.  I suppose that is why I have committed to blogging more this year about real life and real struggles.  

 

There'll be No Bastards in Heaven

I'm an Uber driver. Never thought I would say that, but I am, and I love it. I love the different people I meet from all walks of life, and from all parts of the world, and I never leave central Arkansas. 

Recently, while working the airport, I met a man initially from Nigeria, but now living in Prosper, Texas. We hit it off instantly, seeing that I lived in Sherman, Texas for three years. We talked about all kinds of topics until he asked what brought me to Arkansas. I then proceeded to share with him that I was a pastor, and following the call of God brought me to Arkansas.

The conversation quickly turned to religion, and what the man believed.  He attends Prestonwood Baptist but is not a member. It was evident as he shared that the man had encountered the prosperity gospel in Nigeria and the United States, and was not a fan, and rightly so. Unfortunately, as he shared his beliefs, it became apparent that he didn't know the gospel at all.

He prefaced his theological  beliefs with these words, "You won't agree with my beliefs." And he was right. At the heart of this theology was the need for a person to be good, like Jesus, to go to heaven. I didn't have time to tell him that Jesus was perfect, maybe another day, if the Lord wills. 

In his theology, a good person, no matter what religion, or no religion at all, can go to heaven. They just have to live like Jesus. He said, "It all comes back to Jesus." There obviously problems with his theology, but one glaring problem is found in the teachings of Jesus, you know, the one that people are supposed to be like to get to heaven.

If Jesus is the example to follow, then shouldn't we follow his teachings? Jesus said, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" (John 14:6). Furthermore, Jesus said, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit" (John 3:5-6). If we are to follow the example of Jesus, we must also follow the teachings of Jesus. If Jesus is wrong about heaven, then he is a liar and not a worthy example to follow. If he is right about heaven, and he is, then he's more than worthy to follow, he is worthy of giving our lives to him.

One will never see the kingdom of heaven without being born again. The only way to be born again is to believe in the saving work of Christ. Jesus said, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16). There will be no illegitimate children in heaven, but only the children of God who receive and believe in Jesus, born of the Spirit of God.

A bastard is an illegitimate child. Therefore, there will be no bastards in heaven. Give your life to Christ today. 

Do You Cry?

There's nothing more heartbreaking than finding your wife crying.  To make matters worse, she was crying because of a financial struggle we are having.  As the provider, this is crushing.  But it gets worse. 

The main reason she was crying was the fact that my daughter was going to have to give up her passion for horses.  All I could hear through her tears was, "I hate to disappoint our daughter." Foolishly, I tried to comfort her with these words, "Our Heavenly Father disappoints us at times." At that moment a question hit me, one that I had for God. 

Crying myself by this time, I found a quiet place and just asked the Lord, "Do you Cry when you disappoint us?" It's one thing when a father and mother have to disappoint a child because things are outside of their control.  But, to have the Sovereign ruler of the universe, whose in control of all things disappoint, well, it's comparing apples to oranges, in my opinion.  After several repetitions of the question through my tears, I received an answer. 

The Spirit of God took me to the eleventh chapter of the gospel of John, and the story of Lazuras.   In this chapter is where the shortest and easiest verse to memorize is found, "Jesus wept" (John 11:35).  Why was Jesus weeping? He knew he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. He knew that a miracle was about to take place that would turn their mourning into rejoicing.  So why the tears? 

Jesus wept because the people where grieving.  They were mourning because Jesus let them down and did not come when they requested that he come, allowing Lazuras to die. The Lord disappointed them and caused them tremendous heartache. 

God answered my question. He cries when he disappoints us.   Even though God is in control and can never let us down, he does so, for a greater good.  In the case of Lazuras, he performed a miracle, and the Father was glorified. 

I find comfort in knowing that God weeps with me in my struggles and let downs.  It affirms that in the midst of the mess he's with me, and will see me through to the other side. 

And Now for the Rest of the Reset

It was February 25, 2015, a Wednesday night.  Christy and I were attending the first service of a prophetic conference hosted by Bethel Church in Redding, California.  The presence of God filled the room, very thick and tangible. 

During the meet and greet time, a lady from Seatle, Washington introduced herself to us, and to this day, I can't remember her name, not that it matters.  But I do remember something very significant she shared with me during the worship time. 

The lady from Seatle came up to me while we were worshiping and said, "God has given me a word for you."  I said, "Really, what is the word?" "The word is "reset" God is about to reset your life and ministry." 

Ironically, three months later the Lord directed me to leave a ministry without knowing where I was going next.  In fact, the Lord kept impressing the word "risk" on my spirit.  This bold step of faith started the wheels turning on this prophetic word coming to past.  However, God is still resting my life and ministry to this very day. 

Over the last two and a half years, God's resetting of my life and ministry has caused a great struggle, especially as it relates to my faith, and how I view God.   I have wondered when the "reset" would be complete, and what it would look like when finished.  In moments of despair, I have accused God of being cruel because of what seemed to be the final product of this Divine reset.  But then came a moment of revelation that brought tremendous clarity to the whole dynamic of what God is doing.  It's almost as if God stole a line from the late Paul Harvey and said, "Patrick, now for the rest of the story."

I have been meeting with a counselor/pastor for the past month.  The current circumstances of my life have caused great depression to return to my life, forcing me to get back on antidepressants again (Thank God for antidepressants).  But I have also needed to work through the issues I'm having with my faith. 

Last Thursday's meeting was the beginning of God bringing clarity.  As we waded through the mess of my life, our journey brought me back to my childhood, and my relationship, or lack of with my earthly father.  During the session, the counselor stopped and prayed, "Father, this is a critical moment.  May the Holy Spirit begin His work."  And then he continued.  He gave me homework I had to do concerning my father. Honestly, I thought I came to terms with this issue, but what happened the next day revealed otherwise. 

The assignment given seemed awkward to me.  Therefore, I started praying for insight on how to do it.  I was troubled by the trouble I was having, so I prayed and prayed for help.

The next morning, January 5, 2018, I read this phrase in a devotional, "Fasting is the reset button of our soul." At that moment, God impressed upon me that the real work of "reset" is about to start, and it has to do with my soul.  And when God hit the reset button of my soul, he hit it hard. 

Within an hour of reading the phrase, God started the work.  It was like a scab torn off a deep-seated wound.  Every other hurt, perceived or real, found life in this one wound.  At that moment, I became this 49-year-old boy, wanting the love of an earthly father. 

Now, I wish I could say this was a decisive and joyful moment of clarity, but it wasn't.  I found no relief in this revelation.  This moment of clarity is best described (Warning: I'm going to be real) as an "Oh Shit" moment.  That's the moment you see how deep the wound is, and wonder if it is even possible to heal. 

When you lack the love of an earthly father, most likely you lack self-worth.  Therefore, you spend your life trying to find what you never received from your father.

 In my early life, I wanted to find it through drugs, alcohol, and sexual promiscuity.  After I met Jesus, I found it in my call to ministry, pastoring, and preaching.   All of these, good and evil, were substitutes for self-worth. 

Everything that brought a sense of self-worth to my life is gone, and now I'm in a position for God to push the reset button on my soul. 

Interestingly, when God removes the substitutes for self-worth, it results in feelings of unworthiness, a massive failure that God can't use.  I shared these feelings with my counselor, and he said, "You must be someone extraordinary for God to do this for you."  Well, when you put it that way, it no longer seems like "Oh Shit" moment, but a joyful moment of tremendous healing and breakthrough.  God reminded me the other day that the "break" always comes before the "through."  I'm hoping that the "through" is coming now because I'm not sure how much more I can break.