And Now for the Rest of the Reset

It was February 25, 2015, a Wednesday night.  Christy and I were attending the first service of a prophetic conference hosted by Bethel Church in Redding, California.  The presence of God filled the room, very thick and tangible. 

During the meet and greet time, a lady from Seatle, Washington introduced herself to us, and to this day, I can't remember her name, not that it matters.  But I do remember something very significant she shared with me during the worship time. 

The lady from Seatle came up to me while we were worshiping and said, "God has given me a word for you."  I said, "Really, what is the word?" "The word is "reset" God is about to reset your life and ministry." 

Ironically, three months later the Lord directed me to leave a ministry without knowing where I was going next.  In fact, the Lord kept impressing the word "risk" on my spirit.  This bold step of faith started the wheels turning on this prophetic word coming to past.  However, God is still resting my life and ministry to this very day. 

Over the last two and a half years, God's resetting of my life and ministry has caused a great struggle, especially as it relates to my faith, and how I view God.   I have wondered when the "reset" would be complete, and what it would look like when finished.  In moments of despair, I have accused God of being cruel because of what seemed to be the final product of this Divine reset.  But then came a moment of revelation that brought tremendous clarity to the whole dynamic of what God is doing.  It's almost as if God stole a line from the late Paul Harvey and said, "Patrick, now for the rest of the story."

I have been meeting with a counselor/pastor for the past month.  The current circumstances of my life have caused great depression to return to my life, forcing me to get back on antidepressants again (Thank God for antidepressants).  But I have also needed to work through the issues I'm having with my faith. 

Last Thursday's meeting was the beginning of God bringing clarity.  As we waded through the mess of my life, our journey brought me back to my childhood, and my relationship, or lack of with my earthly father.  During the session, the counselor stopped and prayed, "Father, this is a critical moment.  May the Holy Spirit begin His work."  And then he continued.  He gave me homework I had to do concerning my father. Honestly, I thought I came to terms with this issue, but what happened the next day revealed otherwise. 

The assignment given seemed awkward to me.  Therefore, I started praying for insight on how to do it.  I was troubled by the trouble I was having, so I prayed and prayed for help.

The next morning, January 5, 2018, I read this phrase in a devotional, "Fasting is the reset button of our soul." At that moment, God impressed upon me that the real work of "reset" is about to start, and it has to do with my soul.  And when God hit the reset button of my soul, he hit it hard. 

Within an hour of reading the phrase, God started the work.  It was like a scab torn off a deep-seated wound.  Every other hurt, perceived or real, found life in this one wound.  At that moment, I became this 49-year-old boy, wanting the love of an earthly father. 

Now, I wish I could say this was a decisive and joyful moment of clarity, but it wasn't.  I found no relief in this revelation.  This moment of clarity is best described (Warning: I'm going to be real) as an "Oh Shit" moment.  That's the moment you see how deep the wound is, and wonder if it is even possible to heal. 

When you lack the love of an earthly father, most likely you lack self-worth.  Therefore, you spend your life trying to find what you never received from your father.

 In my early life, I wanted to find it through drugs, alcohol, and sexual promiscuity.  After I met Jesus, I found it in my call to ministry, pastoring, and preaching.   All of these, good and evil, were substitutes for self-worth. 

Everything that brought a sense of self-worth to my life is gone, and now I'm in a position for God to push the reset button on my soul. 

Interestingly, when God removes the substitutes for self-worth, it results in feelings of unworthiness, a massive failure that God can't use.  I shared these feelings with my counselor, and he said, "You must be someone extraordinary for God to do this for you."  Well, when you put it that way, it no longer seems like "Oh Shit" moment, but a joyful moment of tremendous healing and breakthrough.  God reminded me the other day that the "break" always comes before the "through."  I'm hoping that the "through" is coming now because I'm not sure how much more I can break. 

You're Crazy

The past two years have been enlightening in regards to my faith experience.  If you had told me a few years ago that I would grow weary in believing and hoping in the promises of  God, I would have said you're crazy.  But that's has been my experience the past few months.

When you grow weary of believing and trusting, you lose all expectation that something good is going to happen.  This weariness is a by-product of unfulfilled hope, which will crush your heart.  When faith is repeatedly broke, your ability to continue to hope with confident expectation diminishes.

My prayer for the last few months has been simple: "Lord, help me to believe all that you have promised."  Many times I have found myself with just enough faith to complain to God.  (Oh, for those of you who think that God doesn't welcome our complaining, you need to read the Psalms.  The only time God doesn't like our complaining is when we complain to others instead of him).  Many times I have pictured myself in a boat with Jesus in the middle of a storm, and Jesus is sleeping.  I'm trying to wake Jesus up,  but he continues to rest.  No matter how hard I try to wake him, he peacefully slumbers.

As a pastor, you are supposed to have answers to these types of struggles, but I don't.  Don't get me wrong, I know the answers, but for some reason, that knowledge brings no comfort or victory.

I know what some of you are thinking.  You think that I need to have faith and make positive declarations and confessions to win the victory.  But that doesn't work if you are exhausted and are struggling to believe.  And besides, I don't want a God that is going to make me jump through hoops before he decides to come to my rescue.  I don't want a God that I control (although life would be much easier if I could manage God).

So what's the answer for those who are weary? Pray for faith.  Exercise your weak faith even if it's a complaint to God in prayer.  There are days I don't know how I am going to get through this season.  There are days I wonder if the wounds that are open will ever heal.  But somehow, by the grace of God, I make it one day at a time.

If you are struggling with God, your faith, or something very similar, please contact me.  I don't have the answers, but we can work through our faith struggle together.