In Pursuit of Happiness: Psalm 128

This moment in time is historic.  We will remember the year 2020 as one of the most difficult for many.  A pandemic has impacted the entire world, almost bringing it to its knees.  The United States has experienced injustice, protests, riots, and looting, crippling several major cities around the country.  When you read the news or turn it on and watch it, you find suffering is everywhere.  

What astonishes me about the suffering is that it is so traumatic for Americans. When I talk to people on the streets, at my job, or in other places, they always say they could do better, if the circumstances were more agreeable. Why do Americans take suffering more traumatic than other cultures? Is it because we live in a secular society? Yes, in part.  But I find the genuine reason is the greatest purpose of being American: the pursuit of happiness and freedom.  This pursuit does not allow suffering to fit within it well.  

Since the highest purpose of being an American is the pursuit of freedom and happiness, and we live in a secular society, no longer reliant upon God, the burden of experiencing this chief purpose is the individual. Therefore, we vote for politicians that will make us happy and keep us free, and politicians make it their job to make us happy and comfortable.  

Maybe all the chaos and commotion we are witnessing around the country results from unhappy people trying to find happiness. The pursuit of happiness can be disastrous, or helpful.  Another way to put it is the pursuit of happiness can make you unhappy, or happy.  To avoid becoming unhappy in pursuit of happiness, we need to make sure we are pursuing true happiness.  True happiness is not dependent upon outward circumstances, but an inward disposition.  True happiness, when found, will impact the surrounding people, and, if possible, the surrounding circumstances.  

We can find the prescription for genuine happiness in Psalm 128, “Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord. The Lord bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life! May you see your children’s children! Peace be upon Israel!” 

Every verse uses the words “blessed” or “bless” except for verses 3 and 6. What I find interesting is that it uses two different Hebrew words, instead of one. Verses 1-2 use the word “asher,” and verses 4-5 use the word “barak.” They use the latter word when God blesses a person or a people; the former word translates most often as “happy” and describes the good fortune that comes when people do what pleases God.  When things are going well, we often feel happy. However, the happiness of verse one does not depend upon the circumstances of life, but the priority of life.  The priority of life reveals that the pursuit of true happiness begins with the individual.  

The Pursuit of Happiness Begins with the Individual

Verse one, “Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways!” A better translation is “very happy is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways.” If you want to be “very happy,” in life, then you will need to be in a right relationship with the Lord.  

Relationship 

The Hebrew name for God in verse one is Yahweh. It is always used in a relationship between God and man, specifically a covenant relationship.  Israel was in a covenant relationship with God.  In the same manner, under the New Covenant, we must be in a covenant with the Lord, and this is only possible through faith in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ for salvation. This is the starting point for a life of happiness. When we are in a right relationship with the Lord, our lives will reveal it with a proper reverence for the Lord.  

Reverence

The very happy man or women will fear the Lord. We don’t always associate happiness with fear, but not the case with true happiness. When you fear the Lord, you will take the Lord seriously. You understand that he is the sovereign Lord, holy and set apart, in control of all things. When you fear the Lord, you have an extreme reverence, deep respect, and awe for him.  What does that look like?

The Lord becomes the top priority of your life.  Every endeavor you embark on will have him at the center.  He becomes everything we are, or think, or aspire to do. The apostle Paul put it well when he said, “to live is Christ.” We put him first. If we have this reverence, then we will want to please and honor him in everything. The right relationship leads to the right reverence, which leads to the right responsibility. 

Responsibility

If we want to please and honor the Lord in everything, then we will walk in his ways.  Simply put, we will strive to obey him.  We find real freedom and happiness in God’s word. Many people look at the Bible as a book of rules that keep you from freedom and happiness. However, when we live our lives in God’s word and God’s will, we experience freedom and happiness.  Outside of God’s word and will you find guilt, shame, fear, sorrow, and death. 

Before Christ found me, I was wild. I loved to party and used all kinds of stimulates that I thought made me happy. I remember sitting with a friend, drinking beer and smoking marijuana, and the subject of Christianity came up. Not sure how, but it did. I shared with my friend that my brother had become a Christian and his life changed.  I then said to him, I could never become a Christian because I didn’t want to give up the drugs and alcohol that I thought made me happy.  

Not too long after that conversation, the Lord started working in my life.  The things I thought would make me happy, left me empty and unhappy.  I was miserable. Where I once believed becoming a Christian would make me unhappy, the Holy Spirit started impressing upon me the words, “You will never be happy until you become a Christian.” Eventually, I started reading the Bible. One night, while reading Matthew chapter five, I surrendered my life to Jesus with this simple prayer, “Lord, I want to be a Christian, but I can’t do it. I need your help.” The surrender of that night changed my life forever.  It was at the cross of Jesus that I received my sight, and now I’m happy all my days, not because my circumstances are good, but my relationship with the Lord is good.  When we experience true happiness with the Lord, as this first verse describes, it will have an immediate impact on our lives, and the lives of those around us.  

The Experience of True Happiness has an Immediate Impact

When a man or woman fears the Lord and walks in his ways, it will impact character.  

Character 

If you walk in the ways of the Lord, then you will walk in integrity.  A godly character will characterize your life. When our time on earth is over the only things we can take with us are relationships and our character.  Therefore, it is paramount, not only that we witness for God but also walk with him. I pray that when my life is over that my family and friends will remember me as a man who walked in the ways of the Lord. I know that they won't remember my sermons because I can’t remember my own sermons. I want them to remember that I loved Jesus. Another immediate impact will be contentment.  

Contentment

Verse two, “You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.” You shall be happy and well. How many of us want to be happy and well? Well, it begins with a right relationship with the Lord, which in turn impacts our character and our contentment. When you find true happiness in the Lord, he will take care of your needs. 

When we can declare “Our Father in heaven,” he will answer, “give us this day our daily bread.”  The apostle Paul put it this way, “My God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”  True happiness is a byproduct of a true trust in the Lord.  God will supply all our needs, not necessarily all our wants, although he throws in our wants at times, and then some. 

In the last five years, my wife and I have experienced some financial hardships. Our income is half of what it was five years ago, and to say that we have struggled, would be an understatement. Nonetheless, I can declare to you today, the Lord has provided our daily needs. 

I often see people on street corners asking for money. When I see them I just thank God that my situation has not come to begging on a street corner.  Now, I haven’t begged, but over the last five years, I have had some interesting jobs. I have delivered pizzas, became an Uber driver spending many Friday and Saturday nights making sure drunks made it home from a night out on the town. I have been a car salesman, by far the worse job yet. I worked the night shift for a powerwash company and drove a school bus. Currently, I’m a trash man at a small apartment complex in Little Rock and a chaplain for Arkansas Community Corrections. Through it all, my God has supplied all my needs, and I am content that he will continue to do so.  Why? Because I fear the Lord and walk in his ways, and I’m happy about it.  Another immediate impact is commitment.  

Commitment 

Verse three, “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table.” The psalmist moves from work to the home, specifically the family. He addresses the husband and father in this verse because he is the leader. However, it implies the wife and children of the home as well because he speaks of “everyone” in verse one.  

A happily married man or woman will be committed to the marriage. For the husband, if you want a happy life, you will need a happy wife.  That means to treat her the same way that Christ treats the church. You love her, sacrificially. You provide for her; you keep her safe; you lead her spiritually. Likewise, a happy wife will do all she can to make Christ the center of home and family.  

You might think, “I don’t have a family. How does this apply to me?” If you are walking with the Lord, then you will be committed to honoring the Lord in all your relationships.  You will strive to love your neighbor as yourself.  You will treat others how you want to be treated.  You will put the interest of others before your own.  Then you have an immediate impact upon those around you.  Genuine happiness will make an immediate impact upon you, and the surrounding people. The immediate impact must have an extended influence.  

True Happiness must have an Extended Influence 

Verse four, “Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.” In verse four, we move from the Hebrew word “asher,” used in verses 1-2, to the word “barak,” which means “blessed by God.”  The Lord will bless the man or woman who seeks true happiness in the Lord. The blessings of God are never intended to stop with the individual or immediate family.  God’s blessings fall short if they don’t involve others.  God blesses us so that we can be a blessing to others.  

God begins with the center, the individual, and moves out from there to the home and work, and as we will see a happy home and work extends to the church.  

Church

Verse five, “The Lord bless you from Zion!” Zion represents the house of God, the mountain of God, the place where God dwells amongst his people. This is a glorious reminder that our fruitfulness is from God. One way that God blesses us is through the church, and the way the church becomes a blessing is when you have the people of God walking with God, which becomes a blessing to the home, resulting in a blessing to the church. When the church becomes a source of blessing, it will move outward to the community.  

Community

In the last part of verse five, “May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life!” As the church goes, the city goes.  Can I give you something to think about? What if all the chaos that we are experiencing locally and nationally is the result of the pitiful condition that the church is in today, which is a direct result of the pitiful condition of the home and family, which is a result of people in pursuit of happiness in all the wrong places? 

When the individual finds true happiness in the Lord, God will bless, and then God will bless the home and family.  When the home and family are blessed by God, God will bless the church.  When the church is blessed by God, God will bless the community. When the community is blessed by God, God will bless the country.  

Country 

Verse six, “May you see your children’s children! Peace be upon Israel!” The Hebrew word for peace can also translate “wholeness.”  Wholeness upon the nation.  

Our nation needs peace to be upon it! It needs wholeness! Peace and wholeness will not come from Washington. It won’t come from the voting booth. It won’t come from Hollywood.  It will only come from the Lord.  The reason our nation is falling apart is the fact that people are looking for freedom and happiness in the wrong place. It starts with the individual, with me and you. It starts with a right relationship with God through Jesus Christ, resulting in a life pursuing happiness in the Lord.  Do you want to see peace in America? You want our nation whole again? It will begin with the individual and a changed heart.  That is our only hope.  

Fighting Life's "What Ifs" - Psalm 124

The greatest mental battles we face in life never happen. You know, the wars we fight in our minds because of the “what ifs” of life. The invasion of the enemy of worry attacks everyone, some more than others. When worry invades it can be subtle, invisible, and a relentless foe bombing us with a variety of negative possibilities in life.  

The times we live in now are ground zero for these attacks to take place. Our thoughts race with the “what ifs” of the coronavirus, the ramifications of a lockdown, and the effect it will have on our economy.  Even the Center for Disease control sees the effect that the virus will have on mental health and has included a section on its website for stress and anxiety.  And if the invasions from the pandemic are not enough, now we have rioting and looting consuming major cities around the nation. Can I give you some advice? If you are looking for a career path, consider psychology.   

Unfortunately, God’s people are not immune to worry.  One meaning of worry is “to gnaw.”  Growing up, we had a dog that loved his bones.  He would gnaw on those bones all day, and afterward, he would take the bone and bury it.  The next day, he would dig up the bone and gnaw on it again.  Worry is like gnawing on a bone. We gnaw on the “what ifs” of life because worry is also a kind of fear. And how many times has God told us throughout the Bible not to fear? Therefore, it’s important that we learn to fight the “what ifs” of life that we often gnaw on.  

The Bible is replete with practical and penetrating truths for fighting this battle with worry. One particular passage caught my attention.  It’s Psalm 124. Before we look at the psalm, it is important to put it into context.  

Most scholars believe that Psalm 123 and 124 belong, if not historically, at least thematically. The reason historical context is in question is the fact that the inscription on Psalm 124 attributes the psalm to King David. However, some manuscripts don’t have his name on it, leading some scholars to believe that a scribe added the name in later years.  As a result, some scholars believe the events described take place during David’s reign, others during the time of Nehemiah, and others, King Hezekiah.  The psalm is general and can fit into either historical context.  

Thematically, there is a connection between Psalms, 123, and 124. In Psalm 123, the psalmist in crying out for God’s mercy on account of the contempt and ridicule from the enemy.  In Psalm 124 we see the testimony of God’s activity in answering the cry of the previous psalm.

We find the reason this psalm caught my attention in the first two verses. It reads, “If it had not been the Lord was on our side—let Israel now say—If it had not been the Lord who as on our side.” The emotion of these two verses is better brought out with the New Living Translation, “What if the Lord had not been on our side?”  The emotion is one of perplexity. It’s the gasp that comes from a person delivered from death or some terrible situation.  It’s the “what could have happened” emotion. 

Two years ago, my oldest daughter fell asleep while driving home. She was attending Arkansas State and was making her way back to the university. Going seventy miles an hour, her vehicle hit a guardrail, causing her to cross over the opposite side of the highway, hitting a ditch, and going airborne until she stopped in the middle of a field. I remember the evening well because I had been praying for her twenty-minutes before this happened.  

When my wife and daughter visited the site of the wreck, they experienced this same emotion.  What if she ran off the road fifty-feet earlier? She would have hit a bridge. What if there was traffic coming down the opposite side of the highway? She could have had a head-on collision. Fortunately, she came away from the wreck with no scratch and a totaled vehicle. 

The “what if” presented in this psalm is not an unhealthy “what if.” The reflection of what could have happened is healthy because they can reflect upon the positive outcomes of God’s activity in their lives. Yet, to get to the positive outcomes, one must first observe the negative possibilities.    

Reflection

Two times we see the phrase, “the Lord who was on our side.”  The speculative reflection is this: “what if God wasn’t in our lives?”  Or, “what if God wasn’t for us?”  What if all we could think about are the people and circumstances against us.  The what-ifs of negative possibilities would overtake us.  

The what-if of negative possibilities 

Take God out of the equation and here is what you will have, “when people rose up against us, then they would have swallowed us up alive, when their anger was kindled against us; then the flood would have swept us away, the torrent would have gone over us; then over us would have gone the raging waters.”  Without God, the negative possibilities would have become realities. 

Somehow, when we are consumed with the “what ifs” of negative possibilities, we lose sight of the fact that “the Lord is on our side.” Instead, all we can see are the people and circumstances are against us. We allow the possibilities to overtake us.  

If you are often captive to negative possibilities, you are not alone.  The Bible is abounding with examples of God’s people losing sight of God. When Joseph’s brother came back from Egypt, they had to leave their brother Simeon there and bring back their brother Benjamin. When they told Jacob the situation he cried out, “Everything is going against me!” (Gen. 42:36).  This Jacob, who saw angels descending and ascending into heaven, and wrestled with God until God blessed him, could only see the circumstances against him, not the Lord who was with him.  

Elijah, after seeing the Lord consume his sacrifice with fire from heaven, and killing the prophets of Baal, could only see Jezebel against him, which caused him to run for his life, and become despairing of life to the point of wanting to die.  He could only see the “what ifs” of negative possibilities, and not the Lord who was with him.  

When we worry about the negative possibilities, it’s because of the assumed absence of God in the details of life.  The negative possibilities happen because we exclude God from the equation. However, when we reflect upon the truth that “the Lord is with us” we experience the “what ifs” of positive outcomes.  

The what-if of positive outcomes 

The imagery that the psalmist uses is very descriptive of the negative situations and circumstances we face in life. Just like Isreal, Christians have an enemy, the devil who wants to kill, steal, and destroy our lives.  When we face the troubles of life, they don’t send out a warning so we can prepare. They hit us like a Mack truck. We know this well because of experience. As a result, the “what ifs” of negative possibilities can easily overtake us. 

In verses six and seven, we read, “Blessed be the Lord, who has not given us as prey to their teeth! We have escaped like a bird from the snare of fowlers; the snare is broken, and we have escaped!”  The implication of these two verses is that we will experience situations and circumstances that are not pleasant.  We will face trials and tribulations. However, when God is in the equation of our lives, he will get us through negative experiences with positive outcomes. Fighting life’s “what ifs” require, not only proper reflection but also a proper response. 

Response

In verse six, and in verse eight, we find the proper responses to God’s activity in our lives. First, we must respond with adoration.  

Adoration

We read, in verse six, “Blessed be the Lord.” Another way to translate this phrase is, “Yahweh be worshipped.”  Why? We worship and adore the Lord because he is on our side and he delivers us from the enemies and troubles we face.  

I mentioned already that Psalm 123 and 124 are connected? Psalm 123 is a cry for help. I believe that it is referring to the time of Nehemiah and the people of God rebuilding the wall around Jerusalem.  While building the wall the enemy of God and his people threatened them, discouraged them. All they could see were the negative possibilities.  What did Nehemiah do? He reminded them that God was on their side. 

Notice what Psalm 123:1 says, “To you I lift up my eyes, O you who are enthroned in the heavens!” They turned their eyes from the negative possibilities to the positive outcome of having the Lord on their side.  And we must do the same.  The writer of Hebrews calls us to fix our eyes upon Jesus, the author, and the perfector of our faith.  One of my favorite hymns goes like this: “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.”  We respond with adoration. We also respond with a declaration.  

Declaration

Verse eight, “Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth.”  Some consider this psalm to be a thanksgiving psalm. Others, myself included, consider this psalm to be a testimony psalm about God’s activity in the life of his people.  Verse eight is a declaration of God’s activity. It is a testimony. The Lord, who is on our side, the one who delivered us from the enemy, he helped us.  Nothing can come against us that is greater than the Lord who is with us. We have to respond to the “what ifs” of negative possibilities with the declaration of this truth. Finally, we respond with consecration.  

Consecration

If a declaration is our testimony of God’s help, then consecration is our submission to his help. This is the daily activity of offering our lives as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to Jesus.  Our battle with the  “what ifs” of negative possibilities begins with a proper reflection, which should cause the proper responses of adoration, declaration, and consecration. Yet, a proper reflection and a proper response are ineffective if one does not have a proper relationship.  

Relationship

Throughout Psalm 124 the name used for God is Yahweh, the name for God that emphasizes covenant relationship. It is used to describe God and man in a relationship together.  Isreal was in a covenant relationship with the Lord. Therefore, because of this relationship, they could declare that God is on their side, that he was their help. 

In the same manner, for us to win the battles over life’s “what ifs,” we need a personal relationship with the Lord, made possible through the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.  When we have trusted Christ and Lord and Savior, we enter a covenant relationship with the Lord.  

What does this relationship with Jesus involve? It signifies that “God is for us, and not against us” (Romans 8:31). The universe can be against us, but God, who more powerful than any opposition we encounter, is on our side.  It means that the Holy Spirit and Jesus Pray for us because God is with us. It shows God will take care of us and for us because, “He who did not spare his own Son, but freely and graciously gave him up for us all, how will he not freely and graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32) It means that we are more than conquers. It determines that nothing, absolutely nothing, will ever separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus.  Because of the cross, God is for us, and because of the resurrection, everything will be okay in the end.

At seventeen, I experienced an automobile wreck I should have never survived. When I recall the memories of that night and consider the negative possibilities that could have occurred, I shutter. 

It was a Thursday night. I had a fake identification and an unhealthy passion for partying. Some friends and I went to a bar in Wylie, Texas called the Ranch House. During the night, the bar ran one dollar tequila shots special. I took my last ten-dollar bill and spent it on tequila. You can see where this is going.  

Dumb and inebriated, I got behind the wheel of my Toyota Truck and tried to drive home.  A mile down the road I bent over to change the radio station, but I never came back up.  The truck flipped and hit a telephone pole at the back of the truck.  I walked away from the accident without a scratch.  

I visit that night often in my mind and consider the many “what ifs” that could have happened, but didn’t. What if there was a vehicle coming from the opposite direction? What if the telephone pole broke, and the wires fell on top of my truck? But the most disturbing “what if” is this one: what if I died that night?  This “what if” makes me shutter. Why? If I died that night, I would be in hell for eternity.  I didn’t know Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  In fact, it would take five more years before I gave my life to Christ.  

What if you don’t know Jesus? What if you have never been born again? What if you were to die today? Without Christ, you would spend eternity separated from God.  The negative possibility of going to hell becomes a reality when you die without Christ.  The only positive outcome comes only by trusting Jesus and your Lord and Savior.  What will you do?  

I'm Sorry

Sorry

Song of Solomon 5-6:3

We are enjoying a fascinating and interesting journey through God's love song called the Song of Solomon. We have watched as this couple in love, deeply and madly in love… They made their way to their wedding night. They committed themselves to one another. Then, from a distance, we followed along as they went on their honeymoon and consummated their relationship for the very first time.

It was from a distance because I purposely did not go into great detail about some of the language that is found in chapter 4. I'll let you do that on your own. I don't know about you. For me, it has been wonderful in terms of trying to be a better husband to my wife. We've enjoyed applying it. But what every marriage has to deal with that we're going to see in our text is reality. Even though this is a wonderful love song, reality is about to hit the couple.

You could say, in a manner of speaking, the honeymoon is over. The honeymoon is over, and now a conflict is going to be in the relationship, and they're going to show us how they deal with conflict. Now you'll probably find this hard to believe, but my wife and I have had a few disagreements in our 19 years together. I'll never forget one of our first major disagreements was over an expectation I had.

We were newlyweds. We moved into a youth parsonage at our first church where I was a youth minister, and I had this expectation that we were going to wake up early every morning and have devotions. I may have even used Ephesians 5:22 out of context for my own benefit. You say, "Well, what's Ephesians 5:22?" "Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord." Now my wife has a Bible degree, so she can correct me.

I learned really quickly that Christy is not a morning person. Here's the irony. After 19 years of marriage, we get up early in the morning (she's still not a morning person; trust me), and we read a devotional and pray together. We've had disagreements, fights, over whether we homeschool our kids or put them in the public schools.

We had a real doozy about four and a half years ago right about this time, because I had decided I would send my résumé to First Southern Baptist Church in Bryant, Arkansas, but I forgot to consult her about that. She was rather upset. She put me out in the doghouse for several days. All of these were important issues in our marriage, but I think probably the most memorable and maybe even the most important issue we have fought over revolved around two boxes of Cheez-Its and a box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies.

There you go. Those will always have a dear spot in our relationship. We were living in Texas. I know I've shared this story, but you have to go back, because it's one of the most ridiculous fights we have ever had. We've had a few, but this is probably the most. She had bought these things for the girls' lunch. There were two boxes in the pantry, and there were the Oatmeal Creme Pies. I thought, "You know what? I'm going to have me a few Cheez-Its."

So I started eating the Cheez-Its. All I got were two handfuls. By the time I got two handfuls, it was almost empty. I put it back in there. Well, the girls come back behind, and they decide… And I say "girls." All four of them decided they were going to have Cheez-Its, and they grabbed the other full box, thinking the other one was full, and they finished it off.

The next morning, Christy goes to make their lunch. She grabs that box she thought was full, and it's empty. She's mad. She's mad because I ate the box all by myself. I thought, "Well, wait a minute. You girls ate one by yourself." "Yeah, but there were four of us. It's okay if four of us eat it. It's not okay if one of you eats it, so you're wrong." We exchanged words, and war broke out.

You say, "Well, where do the Oatmeal Creme Pies come in?" Well, that's what hit me on the back of the head when she threw it at me as I was stomping off. Let me tell you, if it wasn't for a freak snowstorm… I wasn't about to say, "I'm sorry." She wasn't about to say she was sorry, because we were dead sure, "I'm in the right here." God brought us together. It just goes to show that in marriage, there's going to be conflict, and it's inevitable. Sometimes, as Elton John put it, sorry is the hardest word to say.

With our couple, though we've watched this beautiful love story unfold, as I said, reality is about to hit. Now they're going to face their first conflict, and it's in this conflict that we learn how wecan deal with conflict. I tell couples when I do premarital counseling, "I'm going to teach you how to fight." They always look at me like, "You're going to teach us how to fight?"

"Yeah."

"Don't you mean how not to fight?"

"No, because you're going to fight. My goal is to teach you how to do it in a good way, not a bad way." The couple here does it in a good way. I want you to see their conflict. We see it in verses 2-3. This is a solo. The woman is singing. Remember, this is a love song. She's singing about this conflict. Here's how it starts. Verse 2:

"I slept, but my heart was awake. A sound! My beloved is knocking. 'Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night.' I had put off my garment; how could I put it on? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them?"

It wasn't uncommon during this time that the husband and the wife would have different sleeping chambers. What we have here is the husband, and he comes and knocks on the door. She's not asleep yet. She's asleep, but she's not asleep. She's easily awakened by a knock. At the door is her beloved husband, and he's saying, "Open to me, my sister, my love." Listen to those words.(Sister isn't an Arkansas thing. That was just saying, "Hey, we're close.")

"My love, my dove, my perfect one." He uses these words of affection. Some scholars believe the man has been working all day, maybe even working late. He comes in, and he wants to spend a little bit of time with his wife in an intimate way. So he's knocking at the door. Her response reveals the source of the conflict. She says, "I had put off my garment; how could I put it on?""I'm not getting out of this bed. I just took a shower. I just put my hair up in curls." "I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them?"

What's interesting is that the wife is showing indifference to her husband. It could very well be that she's mad at him because he has been taking her for granted. Maybe he has been staying late at work without taking into consideration her or her schedule. We really don't know. I remember a "Come to Jesus" conversation, a frank conversation my wife had with me several years ago when I was pastoring in Texas.

During that time, I would spend three to four nights a week away from the family. It got to the point where I probably wasn't even coming home before they went to bed. She had enough, so she sat me down. I had an office at home. I'll never forget that conversation. I sat at the desk, and she stood over me. It was a "Come to Jesus" meeting, and I repented of my sins right then and there. I knew I was wrong. I knew what she was saying was right, because I had been taking them for granted and putting the church before them.

I learned that very day at that "Come to Jesus" meeting that I needed to not take my loved ones for granted, to put them before church. So it could very well be that's what's happening here. Or it's just the fact she's showing indifference. Whatever it is, she is not going to let him in. You see, conflict is inevitable in marriage. She's showing indifference to her man. The apostle James says the source of all conflict… This is true.

When we experience conflict, whether it be in marriage or any relationship, you can go to the source, and the source is sin, and sin works itself out in selfishness. See, the apostle James put it this way. Of course, he was talking to a church, but he says, "What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don't they come from the evil desires within you? You want what you want, and you can't have what you want, and therefore, there's this conflict, and there are these quarrels."

The Cheez-Its and the flying creme pies… Both of our responses were selfish responses. Every fight we have had, for the most part, has found its source in two people being selfish and looking out for themselves. That's what's happening here. We have conflict. Conflict is inevitable. So the question isn't, "Are we going to fight?" You're going to fight, because when you got married and you said, "I do," you married an imperfect person. You married a sinner. Therefore, how do you fight? Not in a bad way, but in a good way. The couple teaches us how to fight.

We see as they teach us that composure is important when it comes to conflict. I want you to see how the man held it together, because you know his pride was wounded. Right, guys? She's basically saying, "I'm going to bed. Leave me alone." It says in verse 4, "My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me. I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the bolt."

She finally realized, "Maybe I ought to get up. Maybe I'm wrong here." So she gets up and goes to the door, but when she opens the door, she finds that her man is already gone. Then when she opens the door, there's this liquid myrrh, this perfume. That perfume really was like a love note, a little Post-it, where he said, "You know what? I love you, and I was here."

We see with him putting the myrrh on the doorknob he was basically responding in patient love to his wife. When he responded in patient love to his wife, instead of putting himself first, he put the needs of his wife. He acted selflessly. He didn't act out of his hurt. He didn't act and respond out of his pain. Instead, he left a love note, and he understood where she was coming from. Even though she was being indifferent to him, he didn't allow that hurt to cause him to respond in anger. Not to say he didn't get angry, but he didn't respond in that anger.

Instead, out of patient love, he put the needs of his wife before his own, and because he did that, it revealed that he was trusting God completely. The ability for us to put the interests of other people before our own, the ability to look out for another person's interests before our own interests… I believe that ability only comes when we are trusting God to take care of our needs.For when you are saying, "I'm going to put this person first…"

When I say, "I'm going to put my wife and her needs first. I'm not going to respond and be selfish…" If I'm going to act selflessly, that means I will meet her needs, and I will have to trust God to take care of mine. This is where conflict arises, because we want to take things into our own hands. We don't want to trust God, and we want that person to meet our needs. "You meet my needs. You take care of me."

But he's saying, "You know what? I'm going to act in patient love. I'm going to act selflessly," and he does it because he's trusting God, not only to take care of him (this is important), but also to take care of and change his wife. You know, we spend a lot of time trying to change the other person, don't we? "You're in the wrong here." If it wasn't for divine intervention with the Cheez-Its, I'm telling you what… I was waiting for her. She needed to change. God intervened.

Because of pride we're like, "You change. You change." Who's the only person you can change? Yourself. I want you to watch what happens, because when he responds in patient love and trusts God to take care of his needs, and then he trusts God to take care of her and to bring about a change of heart… I think his response played a big part in changing her heart, because it says in verse 6, "I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and gone. My soul failed me…"

What is she saying? "I messed up." She may not have gotten to that point that quickly had he sat there at the door demanding that she take care of his needs. In other words, being selfish. Selfishness begets selfishness. That's what he does. He puts her first. Now, because he's trusting God to change her heart, she's having a change of heart. She says, "You know what? I failed. I messed up when he spoke."

So what does she do? She says, "I sought him, but found him not; I called him, but he gave no answer." He left. He didn't leave mad. He left. Then it says in verse 7, "The watchmen found me as they went about in the city; they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my veil, those watchmen of the walls." I want you to see something here, because there's an interesting comparison to watch when you go back to chapter 3.

In chapter 3, before their marriage, she was having a dream about her man, and she wanted to be with her man. I want you to hear what she says about the dream. Chapter 3, verse 1: "On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him, but found him not. I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him, but found him not. The watchmen found me…" Now watch what happens. When the watchmen found her in our passage, they beat her.

"…as they went about in the city. 'Have you seen him whom my soul loves?' Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her who conceived me."See, in the dream, she wanted to be with her man. In the marriage, she's making excuses. She's being indifferent.

What is happening now is God has gotten ahold of her heart, and now she has had a change of heart. Now she's going to seek out resolution to this conflict. I believe it all took place because of a man who said, "Instead of me being selfish, I'm going to act selflessly, and I'm going to trust God completely to take care of my needs."

I'm convinced because of our old nature… Every day, if you're a believer, you have to struggle with that old nature, and you have to struggle with selfishness. That's what comes naturally. That's what we call the American way. "You need to look out for yourself. You need to take care of yourself. You need to be happy." Well, the American way is not the Christian way. In fact, the Christian way says you don't look out for yourself; you die to self.

You die to self. You take up your cross. You sacrifice your life. You give it as an offering for the glory of God. You give it as an offering for people. You sacrifice. That's why he says in Ephesians 5 to husbands, "You need to love your wives as Christ loved the church. You need to sacrifice. You need to give everything for your wife."

That's why I believe it takes the power of God to overcome those selfish tendencies we all have. It takes Jesus in us, the resurrection power. If you think about it, who emulated these two qualities perfectly? It was Jesus. Jesus faced opposition. Jesus faced conflict, yet he still acted selflessly. He never, ever put himself before us. He gave himself for us, and he trusted God to take care of him.

God took care of him, because the Bible says that when he gave his life and died on Calvary, God highly exalted him so that the name of Jesus would be above every other name, that at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.

He trusted God to take care of him. That's how you keep your composure. It all comes down to trusting God. Let's be honest. We're all going to fail at it. That's where the gospel comes in. That's where grace comes in. The Devil will condemn you. You're going to say things you wish you'd never said. You're going to say things in a way you wish you had never said it.

Here's what you need to understand: God's grace covers all of that. The Devil will try to condemn you. He will say, "Look, you're not living that perfect life." You will not live a perfect life. Christ lived a perfect life for you. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Keep your composure.

The next thing is communication. If you want to bring about conflict resolution, it's going to take communication. We see the steps to resolution in two questions that are asked by the choir. The first question is in verse 9 of chapter 5. The second question is in verse 1 of chapter 6. In the first question, the choir is asking her, "What do you love about your man? What are the things you appreciate about your husband?"

Look at verse 9. "What is your beloved more than another beloved, O most beautiful among women?" In other words, "Hey, tell us all of those good qualities that attracted you to your spouse in the first place." Sometimes we get so focused on the negative… We do. What happens when you focus on the negative in a person? Your heart becomes full of ingratitude.

Let me tell you, when your heart is full of ingratitude toward a person and all you can see is the negative, that person can become the most unattractive person in the whole wide world. Not so with this woman, because she's going to list out all of the things she admires about this man. Notice what she says. Verse 10:

"My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh.

His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels. His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend…"

You're thinking, "Is Patrick reading an autobiography?" No, I'm not. I could be, right? Yeah, well, in her world I hope. She didn't say, "Here are all of the things I can't stand about my spouse." You want to bring conflict resolution? Then it begins with communicating the things you appreciate about that person.

You say, "There's nothing good about my spouse." Well, hopefully, at some point, when you said, "I do," there was something good you saw in that spouse. If you say, "There has never been any good in the person I'm married to," then go watch Forrest Gump and listen to what his mama said. It has nothing to do with the box of chocolate.

If you married a person you weren't attracted to, well, that speaks for itself. Every one of us can look, and it's so important that we do that. We take our spouses for granted. Take some time. Begin to write down all of those qualities. Remember when you write those down…it won't be hard…you married a sinner. Oh, and you're a sinner too. So communicating appreciation.

Then, of course, granting forgiveness and accepting it. That takes us to the second question:"Where has your beloved gone, O most beautiful among women? Where has your beloved turned, that we may seek him with you?" Now she's looking for him. Why? Because she wants to bring some resolution and reconciliation to the relationship. She wants to ask for forgiveness.

They're saying, "Where is he? Let's go find him. Let's bring resolution to this conflict." She knows exactly where he is. Verse 2: "My beloved has gone down to his garden to the beds of spices, to graze in the gardens and to gather lilies." She knew exactly where he would be. She's now going to seek him out to bring resolution to this conflict.

Conflict is resolved when forgiveness is given and accepted. Sometimes people ask for forgiveness, and because we're so hurt, we want to say, "I'm going to forgive you next week, because I want you to be miserable for a whole week. I want you to pay." That's not forgiveness. Do you know that? Wanting somebody to be sorry and just… "Yeah, I'll forgive you next week." Forgiveness says, "I understand you wronged me, you hurt me, but I'm going to forgive you."

One of the most Christian things you can do is not only extend forgiveness, but ask for it, because we're not perfect. Sometimes we'll blow it in our relationships. We'll blow it with our spouses, and what do we need to do? We need to say, "Please forgive me." That's where the gospel comes in, because it's the gospel that enables us to relate to one another in grace.

Think about your relationship with Christ. How many times a day do you sin against Jesus? I hope you're not counting, but just to give you an idea, quite a few. It doesn't have to be your behavior. All it has to do is be your thoughts. How many times does Jesus forgive you? Every time, right? Do you know what Jesus does when he forgives you? He doesn't say, "Well, let me tell you how sorry you are." No, he doesn't say that.

He doesn't have this long list of negatives. He has a long list of positives, and all of those positives he earned for you. All of those positives are yours because of what he did for you on Calvary. When you say, "Forgive me," he has already forgiven you. What Jesus says is, "I appreciate you. You're my child. You're my beloved. You're mine, and nothing can separate you from my love."

He says, "I forgive you, and I forgive you every time." That same forgiveness you experience as a believer in Jesus Christ is the same forgiveness you have to express in your marriage relationship, in your family relationships. In every relationship you have, Christian, we have to express the same forgiveness we have experienced in Jesus Christ.

It's so important that we communicate that acceptance and forgiveness, but what holds it all together, what makes conflict resolution possible, what enables us to say "Sorry" when sorry is the hardest word to say, is one word: commitment. Here's what she says: "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine; he grazes among the lilies." This is an element we've lost today. She said, "I made vows to my husband. We belong to each other. When we said 'I do,' we meant it was forever." Commitment is what holds it all together.