Late Night Thoughts by Christy Mead

I have been married to Christy Mead for 21 years today.  She still amazes me.  These are her thoughts.

Late night thoughts...

I've been in Baptist churches for many years. Before that, I sporadically attended Assembly of God churches with my grandparents as a child. In college, I attended a Bible college. All of the churches I attended believed the Bible to be true. Believed Jesus is the son of God. Believed he died on the cross for our sins and rose again. Many people in those churches had hearts to serve Jesus and minister to others. I became very comfortable in my little Christian cocoon as a pastor's wife. I had all of the Christian cliche's memorized. I could quote Bible verses. I went to retreats and camps and mission trips. I taught Bible studies and counseled the hurting. But last year, my comfortable cocoon was ripped from me and I was rocked to the core. I, a Bible believing pastor's wife, truly struggled with my faith and belief in God. I struggled with churches. And became disillusioned in my Christian faith. I became wary and distrusting of Christians. Did I really believe what I've been teaching all of these years? Could I trust anyone, or God, ever again? Hurt radiated through every part of me and I soon gave way to severe depression. I stopped living. I became angry. Became bitter. Wanted the pain to stop. Wanted my life back. Wanted to stop seeing my husband weep every Sunday. Wanted to not have my children hurt. How could I ever trust God with my heart, with my soul, with my eternity after being let down by his people?

Last year, when publicly sharing our decision to step down from
ministry, I stated that we were viewing this as an"unplanned sabbatical." I think back and say, yes and no. It has been a break from ministry, but no rest has been involved. In fact, I think we have worked harder this year than ever in our adult life. But what this has done for us is remarkable.

For one, my faith in God has grown. My love and trust in God is very different now. It's not out of obligation. Or because I don't want to spend eternity in hell. Or because I've just attended a camp or church service that makes me pumped up for Jesus. My faith in God has become my life. I cannot function or breath without him. Although this was true before, I am much more aware of how completely dependent I am upon him.

I view ministry different now. I suppose being somewhat nomadic when it comes to churches and ministry, we've felt a little lost. But in this season of being nomads, I've experienced different churches and denominations. I've stepped back and evaluated churches and their function and purpose. I've come to appreciate many things about churches, and also realize some things churches do are counter-productive. I've watched as many churches grow based off of transfer memberships, but not as many grow based on people truly being delivered from a life of sin.

I've talked to non-believers and heard their stories. They share with me a lot more now that I'm not a pastor's wife. They've shared how they've been shunned, judged, excluded, hurt, ridiculed or simply been a victim of cliques and been left out or made to feel unwelcome. Ive gotten closer to many "sinners" that don't feel comfortable in church because they aren't good enough, don't dress right, or have a reputation.

All of this has been for a purpose. All of the pain and confusion. It was to change our perspective. Change our mission. Change our focus.

So here I am... In our "unplanned sabbatical." A year or so later and I love and trust God more. I realize church goers are sinners just like non-church goers. I've realized I am the chief of sinners and made many mistakes. I realize that everyone makes mistakes. That sometimes people you love and respect will hurt you. I realize that forgiveness is a necessity. I've come to understand that sometimes people think they're doing the right thing and unintentionally may hurt you in the process. I've realized that forgiveness sometimes is a daily act of the will and feelings rarely accompany it. I've realized that there are many amazing and godly people in every denomination and we can learn a lot from one another. I've learned that giving up on God and church simply because you've been hurt, is like giving up on all medicine simply because one medication you took made you ill. Not everyone is bad. Not all churches are evil. And God has a bigger plan and purpose.

I think God has something quite unique in store for our future. We are still in God's waiting room, but the door is starting to crack open a bit. What I can see on the other side is so very exciting. God never wastes pain! He never abandons us! And He has a great plan!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

PS-If you read these ramblings until the end, I'm very honor & humbled.